Feb 15, 2003

Rants:  Collected notes from the last two weeks that I haven’t put into type

-Ok so I can’t believe I forgot to write anything about...

-Michael Jackson:  I think I’m going to have an entire article devoted to him after the special.  So I’ll save my comments for later.

-Matt, me and Coyote Ugly:  Matt and I have never seen this movie, and probably never will.  Because in our minds, we have come to the conclusion that it IS the greatest movie ever created.  A BAR run by incredibly sex and horny women.  I repeat.  A bar run by incredibly sexy and horny women.  What more do you need? Nothing.  Exactly.  Plot?  Unnecessary? Special effects? Nope, Storyline? Nada.  All you need is a bar and women and viola, it’s perfect.  The reason I never have watched it, is because, in my mind.  It is the world’s most amazing movie.  If I were to actually view it, it could only dampen my former image of it and be disappointed forever.

-Watch the old women sex product lady open her pleasure chest on “oh”

-Within the pleasure chest the award winning product for men was the silicon jack off pad.

-Remember the bugs bunny and Elmer Fudd cartoon about smellovision that replaced television when they fell asleep for 40 years and woke up in the year 2000.  Where’s my smellovision?

-Billy Corgan: liked him, then  loved him, then annoyed me.  Then annoyed me more.  Then I couldn’t stand even the mention of him.  He was up there in the Richard Gere category of “Everything I do is spectacular and I shall be worshiped cause I worship myself” kind of thing going for him.  With his new album I’m beginning to like him again.  Feel kinda bad for him, no hair style will EVER work good on him, even the bald thing isn’t looking so shiny.

-Olive garden’s culinary school is in Italy , anyone else find the humor in this?  How do you say in Italian “Yes the breadsticks AND salad And soda refills are free”

-Heller and Flutie: it’s in my notebook if anyone has any idea of on obscure reference or relation between the two please tell me, I think I might have been drunk when I wrote it.

-If you’re bored and have no life, look up methemoglobinemia and the blue people of Kentucky .  It’s quite a fascinating story of genes, wilderness, and incest and of useless crap I know.  Anyway there’s a family, and a small sect of other families in the boondocks of Kentucky that all carry a recessive gene that makes their skin color blue.  I’m not making this up, on a related story.  My mom does daycare in Kansas .  She’s from Thailand and spends time taking care of white blond haired blue eyed kids while watching terrible Thai music karaoke videos on DVD.  In 20 years if there is a small sect of white kids in Kansas swearing and singing in Thai, there’s a good possibility of where it was traced.

-I left all my hair supplies in Kansas . 

-Speaking of Kentucky , remember the “hazard” song by Richard Marx?  His last shot of becoming a “serious” artist?  Oh how I liked the song, but the video, I remember he was being framed for a murder or something.  I forgot what the hell happened except that it was in black and white.  If anyone can tell me in detail what the video was about, I’d appreciate it.

-Speaking of videos, “I need an everlasting love” by I don’t know, is the top 5 worst/funniest videos of all time, It’s a mummy searching for love in a “real world”

-I made this up when I was drinking, perfect title for a country song,

-“You took your toothbrush but you forgot to leave my heart”

-I might have a new section to be up soon in this section called “one hour photo”..  It’s all my stupid thoughts and ideas that never developed.  Don’t know if it’ll happen yet.  I’m having enough trouble with getting this site updated. So the “one hour photo” thing could not even develop.  Bad irony huh.    

-Ok.  This was never put into my journal entries from a few weeks ago, but I just came across it.  In reference to “hot chick” by Rob Schneider.  How does he keep making movies, or a better question is why do movie executives keep giving him money to make these movies. Do they put it as a tax write off?  Do they put it under charity?  Do you think he uses the pick up line, “I was on SNL” or “I’m Deuce Bigalo”  on chicks.  Or the “I’m the  ‘You can do it!” guy”?  Think he’s ever walked up naked to a girl and said that?

-Another lost note for “Drumline”.  I went to the movie, halfway through the movie I went to the bathroom, to the snack bar got some nachos and a hot dog and hoped the second half would get more exciting, but as I expected they’re wasn’t a rally, people gave up hope and it wasn’t much of a game and every gave up in the end.

-Cute elementary story.  So I’m letting my class of first graders listen to the radio and Nelly’s Air force ones, in St. Louis spelled “ERR forse Juan’s” and they’re all singing to it (the school is 80% minority, which then become the majority thereby nullifying the ….zzzz) any way the one white blonde haired blue eyed boy is also singing along but thinks it’s “Bad Boys bad boys whatcha gonna do…” so funny.

-And as my duty for my last day of teaching I taught the kids to do the “Oh my God! My skin is peeling!” trick with Elmer’s glue.  It’ll be another 3 years before any other 6 year old across the country  discovers that trick

-Another quote that was funny I heard the other day.  “Can I play with my fish?”

-A healthy Wayne simian, that’s all I want for my b-day, a healthy Wayne simian.

-Love the tax season, last year I jumped three tax brackets only to fall 4 this year.  Love the economy.

-“Ring of Gold” the most underrated U2 song of all time.

-New York is sending my a warm welcome.  After I get here they raise the terrorist level alert to salmon or opal or something, and then a flat tire, and now a blizzard.

-Stop with the deep blue dress shirts already! I will I promise.

-At what specific age is it when girls stop thinking that farting isn’t’ funny?  I’m assuming between 10-14.  Cause when it happens in 1^st grade, they think it’s considered comic genius as much as the boys do.  Same in 3^rd grade.

-I miss bald headed Shaquille O' Neal with the sideburns.  Only the guy in the best buy commercials who plays spider man’s sidekick (which still makes me laugh) is bold enough for such a fashion statement.

-Ah, yes speaking of Shaq,  so I was visiting my local, soon to be closed down K-mart and saw a familiar but long forgotten logo of Shaq.  The one of him or a silhoette of him rather slam dunking and destroying a hapless basketball rim.  But this shoe didn’t have the normal Reebok logo that I was so used to seeing.  But then I remembered that Shaq and Reebok departed and that Shaq would be able to keep his logo and shop it to other shoe companies, hoping to succeed in a Microsoft/IBM kind of way.  It wound up being K-mart as his main distributor.  K-mart then files for bankruptcy and closes it’s doors.  Coincidence?  

-And one more thing, please, I’m begging no more Radio Shaq commercials, please.  It’s not good for him, it’s not good for us, not good for anyone.

-Popeye’s uses large straws and is now on my travel list for stocking supplies.

-My favorite underrated band of the 80’s.  Crowded house.  Check them out please.  You’ll be delighted.

-Madden 2004 should have players getting suspended for mental problems and in franchise mode have a “did not play due to getting wasted the night before” suspension in the game. Yes I know it’s a little late for that joke.