April 10th 2003

Do’s and don’ts of putting in a personal ad.   

Ok. The picture.  Honestly be simple.  Try to find a picture that best personifies your personality, or shows off your boobs. They’ll both be a lot more effective than any other pose you try.  And I’m only half way kidding on the boobs, they’re like that dangly fishing lure that wriggles in the water on the infomercials late at night. The results are the same.

What I mean is, if your on a Harley and your not a motorcycle guy at all, you might not be able to see it, but others can easily see the “Idon’t know if I’m sitting on this right, my penis is painfully getting crushed by the gas tank, but since I’m on a Harley, I have to look tough” look on your face.

Other simple examples are. 

“The too sexy!”

Lots of women feel obligated to suck in they’re cheeks, squint there eyes, pout there lips in order to seduce their man.  Little do they realize it looks like they’re sucking on a Lemon-lime sour bomb.  Just be yourself.  Honestly, if your cute, be cute.  Cute isn’t sexy.  Meg Ryan smiles, she doesn’t try to be a vamp at all.  And honestly most guys, whether you know it or not, like smiles better than sultry.  If cleavage is involved in the picture none of the above really matters.  This same advise goes to guys.  Don’t try to be hard and seductive, you don’t have the breasts to counter act it.

If you are 18-21 and you include a picture of your three kids with you and one is white, one is Hispanic, and one is black, they all kind of look like you and are only 10 months apart, do not expect your mailbox to be full anytime soon. 

Do not use a picture of Leanne Tweedan, doing so will make people believe that you are Leanne Tweedan or that you ate Leanne Tweedan.  Only the most moronic of people will truly believe that you are her, actually scratch that, do it, go on a date.  Tell me how it goes. That would be funny. 

I know I poked fun of the fact before, but don’t do the opposite.  If placing a picture, do not put a picture of you and your hot friend in the personal ad, no matter even if it’s the best picture ever taken from you.  Because I guarantee your girlfriend will, no matter how innocent it would be, will be brought  up in conversation.  Ignore this if you plan to put “experimenting in sexuality” or something like that.  You’ll have the complete after affect in responses. 

Do not use a prom picture or high school senior picture if you over 20.

You are given, I would assume, about a page and a half worth of text to use. Only use a paragraph or two.  Particularly the men.  Too many words, to difficult.  That’s why we love the Far side and Dilbert, simple and to the point.  I’ve never read a Cathy comic in my life, I just know that she rips things up while her Dog watches with a grin on his face.  Way to much work for the reader. 

Here is an example of a nearly perfect ad.

“I am 22 years old and have worked in the financial industry for 4 years now. I love my job and I am very driven. I would like to accomplish much at a young age so that I can become comfortable and begin to focus on the things that really matter. I have blond hair, green eyes and weight 125lbs. I am Irish and a big fan of beer and football. I am laid back and have a wicked sense of humor. :)  

Ladies did you read it?!?  

You see ladies? It's perfect.  She has one spelling typo, its ok( I have 42 so far).  Six sentences.  She started off a little slow.  She was beginning to lose me a little bit into the whole “accomplishing thing” but she was able to condense and concentrate on her goals and aspirations in one sentence.  Cathy she is not.  A beautiful personal ad writer she is.  She has a cute picture (she’s smiling and not wearing anything to tight nor too baggy)  She put out the necessary info with no filler, AND SHE LIKES BEER AND FOOTBALL! Nuff said.  

Now that I’ve helped you make a better ad you may ask me.

Would I respond to them?