April 9th 2003

My first condom.  

I was fourteen or fifteen, and needed to have sex.  So I took the proper precautions.  Safe self sex.  I was 14 or 15 but there was no way in hell I was having sex.  I just had it “just in case”

In case I needed to give it to my other friends who were having sex. 

Seriously, there was no way I was going to be laid anytime soon, no matter how much I hoped.    

It’s an emotional transition, for guys it was a positional transition to lose your virginity.  Girls want an aspect that runs deep within them showing they’re commitment to giving themselves to another person, they’re power they’re indulgence.  Guys just want to say they did it.

Like I said positional for guys. It’s a goal, reaching for the stars for the most part.  A challenge, yes they’re would be setbacks but that would be part of the challenge.  The, ahem, rise to manhood.  And I would be a part of the clan dam nit, three years before any of the American pie guys so I needed to prepare myself and take the precautionary measures… so I took a deep breath and walked into the shoppette (military version of 7-11) and I marched proudly down that isle, looked up and grabbed…

An almond Dove ice cream bar.

Give me a break I was nervous as hell.

And so ahem, I tried to gather myself, I couldn’t make it seem like I was just a horny little freshman, I needed to make it seem like I was a horny little guy who wanted to get fat.  After a little collectivity in the ice cream isle I wandered over to the isle with all the necessaries.  You know, magazines.  I grabbed a Beckett Baseball Card Monthly, and continued.  My pace started picking up as I walked from aisle 5 then 4 then 2, wait?! What the hell? Where did three go? Oh ok, there it is, 3 then 2 then 1.

And with the blistering speed of Carl Lewis I snagged one.  Didn’t even glance sideways, it was a purely blind grab, instinctual.  No time for “Her pleasure” “sensitive” or “long lasting” I just needed something.  It was a white box, strategically tucked, Heisman style, under the pit and further protected from view by the Beckett, I skated to the register in record time.

Ice cream, Condoms, and a Beckett.

When I arrived home I immediately bolted to the room and gazed upon the 3 count

Sheiks.  First step completed, just need a girl now.  Then I realized, that I  need make sure these are the right ones for me. I’d need to try one on.

I’ll spare you the details but it didn’t seem to look right.  I must have done it wrong (you have to remember I was 14 about 5 foot and weighed 102 pounds tops.  I came to the conclusion that somehow that was a defective one.  I read somewhere at the time that up to 25% of condoms are defective.  That must have been on of those.  So I have to try the other one and see if I could execute the procedure correctly.  Nope, still looked like Triple 5 Soul made a condom. .

Who knew there would be two winter Olympics and a summer Olympics passed before  there would be any kind of action of any type of action.