Eating

Every now and then I like to engage in a little thing I call eating.  Eating dates all the way back in the old days in the early 1930’s.  It was a different time back then.  Meat was hearty and starfruit was unavailable at the supermarkets and starbucks had yet to knight it’s first barista.

The times were simple back then, and rough.  No 7-11’s or quicktrips to be found on this flat planet we call earth. “What about slurpee’s?” you may ask. Why yes my young friend, there were slurpee’s back then but you’d never want to be caught with one in a back alley way.  You’d  be the laughing stock of the community and your wife and kids’ would leave you.

Over the years though, this eating ritual as you my have called it evolved.  Preservatives pesticides, and artificial flavoring helped evolved many of these “food items”.  Real fresh food such as fruit and Grade A  beef were soon replaced with such items as Fruit Roll ups and Steak-umm. Steak-umm became such a phenomenon that the word processing program that I’m using right now actually registers it as a real word unlike Quicktrip  and Barista.  You guys have some major sucking up to do with Webster.

With all the developments in technology, this led to other developments to such food products as Bologna, hot dogs and nacho cheese.  All staples of the American road trip.  I will discuss my successful techniques of Road trip cuisine and pass them on to you.

Finding the establishment:

Over the years, sometime in the early 50’s  this “food” became widely available in outlets  called “restaurants”  this offered people things such as “dining experiences”  and later offered things such as spinach dip and mozzarella sticks in obscene amounts.  They’re perfect for road trips.  A vast majority of these places are built on the side of the roads for your convenience. 

            For many of us.  Visiting fast food chains is a rudimentary way of life.  Even if we aren’t on a road trip at all.  We run to many of these establishments, but unbeknownst to many a weary traveler.

Bubba, Rosco’s.  Mom’s.  Pappy’s.

If you are to pass by any restaurant that have any of these words in it, or anything similar, you must eat there.  You have no choice.  By pass any other eating establishments.  You will more than likely be thoroughly entertained just by the name itself.  Who cares if it’s dirty.  You’ll have a story to tell.  Ask where pappy is.  If they say he’s dead, then you can say “we went to Pappy’s, he’s dead”.  You can ask for bubba at bubba’s place.  Many people not from the south have never met a “bubba” instead there are nicknames like tiny, or ox.  But a bubba is special.  If you haven’t met one you need to.  I’ve met three in my lifetime.  And they all looked like a bubba.  If by chance you ask for bubba and he’s there you’ll be surprised, cause even though you’ve never met a bubba before and never even seen one.  You’ll take one look at him and think to yourself, "up, that’s a bubba”

If you see anything local place with “Home of the….” Followed by any of the adjectives “Humungous” or “Collassall” you should check it out. 

In very rare instances you might find a combination of the two.  For instance matt and I went to Bubba’s BBQ and Burger joint.  With a sign under it “Home of the Two pound bubba burger”.  No matter how hungry or how much over your credit card is or how many blank checks are out there in your name.  You have to stop.  There are so many wonderful things that could be found there, such as bubba, bubba’s wife Mrs.. Bubba,  The bubba burger, a strip poker video game, a little horse ride thing, Families feasting on a bubba burger and Bubba’s kid, lil bub. Ok I made that part up.  But we spent an hour there.  It’s a hidden tourist trap.  You’ll want to stop there over and over again.  There will be a bubba burger story soon. It’s been over three years since the bubba burger experience but I still talk of the lore that the bubba burger has developed over years…legendary.

The beverage section.

Big Gulp

The staple of beverage refreshment.  Yes.  Everyone should experience one.  They have something available to everyone.  It’s not necessarily  the trademarked concoction itself. But the idea of a chilled beverage that is conveniently available off of most any interstate exit ramp in this country.  Damn I love this country.

For pure beverage quenching refreshment I prefer in order from greatest to least.  Your preferences may change.  And so these next helpful hints may be of no use to you.  But if you are someone like me and flush the toilet first and try to pee everything out before it’s done flushing, then this may be helpful to your thirst quenching needs.

By far and away my favorite way to my stomach in the beverage group are those liquids contained in cold Glass bottles and fountain drinks with crushed ice, the snowy kind.  I have talked about my love for crushed ice laden soft drinks before and never tire of the chance to spread the word.  It is truly a joy to digest and quench the palate. 

Not many people experience the glass bottle in terms of soda that is.  Many companies such as Snapple and Arizona Tea still bottle their beverages in glass.  But soda is a dying trend.  It’s understandable.  It’s become passé.  It’s anti-harmonious to social gatherings such as the beach and concert venues.  “No glass bottles” signs would read.  Might as well post “Maximim refreshment not allowed” also.  Damn them.  Damn them all.  Do they not now the potential that is lost from the container?  I do.  I’ve had my tetanus shot.  I’d sacrifice a shard of glass to land on my foot barely missing my teva straps,(shut up, I had the teva’s years and years ago.)  And another fun thing to do is imitating commercials.  There are more glass bottles in soft drink commercials seen in one day than I have drank in my entire life.  Look how quenched the actors look.  You to can be that refreshed, taking a cool bottle of coca-cola out of a cooler filled with shaved ice with a couple shavings still clinging to the side.  The actor is cooled down in three ways, the satisfaction that he is at a social gathering that serves glass bottled soft drinks 2) Glass is a much more effective insulator of  “coolness”, pun intended, than a can or a plastic bottle, brushing the side of the bottle to ones overheated face can quickly cool downs’ the body’s surface body temperature erstwhile looking sexy as hell. 3). He, and the observer, can clearly see the quenching liquid empty slowly giving visual stimulation.  Try doing that with plastic.  You can’t. Bottles too big, too thick., not slim fitting like the 16 oz bottles. More than likely you’ll drop it and it’ll hit the ground! Solidifying peoples idea that only plastic bottles should be allowed at public gathering spots.  You’ve encouraged them you damn fool.  Damn you!

During the holiday season, glass bottles from coke and sprite are sometimes  commonplace to find glass.  Nostalgia sets in with bottlers and consumers alike.  Unfortunately there in little cute 10 oz glass that cost more than 12 oz cans.  But believe me, it’s so much better.

Glass bottled soft drinks, fortunately can still be found today, mostly in the south though. Keep on the lookout though, and save the bottles, they look cool and or worth 10 cents to return them.  Or fill them with colored sand of which old people that I know seem to love to do.

Crushed ice drinks

Now as smile like a little kid staring at a huge round swirly lollipop when I think of this.  Crushed ice is an amazing product.  I’ve talked about this time and time again.  They are deservedly in a different category of other fountain drinks.  It’s two things in one.  Scientifically speaking crushed Ice does some “cool bad ass stuff” to soda, such as even soda chilling distribution.  The ice does not melt as fast and give the top layer of soda a watered down taste.  Phenomenal I say.

One of the best things also is that when your done, there's a dessert of soft crushed ice flavored with your favorite soda to greet you that the bottom!  A soda sno-cone!  Sonic has the best ice in my personal opinion.  Also what I do sometimes is if there is a plastic bottle of soda in the car, and I still have a substantial amount of crushed ice left in the cup, I’ll pour the soda into the cup, that changes  the complete flavor contrast of the soda.  Bringing it to an even higher level of crisp refreshment.

Fountain drinks with normal ice are my second tier of drinks preferences. And for many travelers the most common, myself included.   Different places use different ice,  I’m a slight fan of the thin square shaped ice that looks like broken tile.  7-11 seems to favor that a lot.  Not a fan of the half moons or the hollow cylinders that airlines seem to love.  I understand that it give the most surface area for maximum chilling refreshment but the damn cups are two small for one can.  I wind up drinking half the cup.  Refill it to the top, wait for it to get cold again, drink it half way and repeat three times. Just so I can get all of the beverage somewhat cold.  That’s a letter.  To skip this problem just get on Midwest express and have the free cheap Champaign that’ll make you forget all about those damn ice (but not really cubes cause it’s cylindrical) cubes

I prefer Pre-chilled. fountain drinks.  They get watered down less.  Convenience stores that .  Tiger mart quicktrip 7-11, kicks 66 usually offer it. Be on the lookout.  Pristine establishments they are.

Chilled cans:

 My second favorite.  The wide mouth pop tab, revolutionary.  Exciting.

Chilled plastic bottles.

 Eh not much of a fan.  I'll buy it if I have a fountain cup with ice around for me.

Keep the cup 

When using a fountain drink, the sizes are pretty much universal, 16, 20, 32,44 and 64 oz drinks are pretty much the standard.  Keep your cup, reuse it, if your on a road trip anyway it's just water, rinse it and repeat. And they'll usually give you a discount for reusing your cup.  Keep the world a little cleaner.

The Crotch hold

If your bold about refreshment, no 20 oz medium drink can do.  They can easily fit in your cup holder. Screw those.  I need a manly drink.  sometimes one that requires two hands such as the double gulp.  Who cares if I look like a slob to all women who glance over my way, I'm getting refreshment anyhow.  But watch out for the crotch. It's the only place you can place it.  Avoid "coke crotch" when the drink spills over and gives you some explaining to do at the wedding your about to attend. be careful when putting in the straw. place straw in before sitting down.  and err um excuse me.  Don't squeeze so hard with your thighs.

Beef jerky

Road tripping is a primal urge.  Dates back to our primal times, and our primal needs.  Trekking from one destination to another, looking, searching,  surviving.  Our ancestors did all this back in the 1930’s with beef jerky.  Such a perfect invention when traveling on the road.

Convenience stores know this.  Truckers also love it.  They also have the same carnal cravings I do when they’re hauling artificial flavorings and preservatives across our great land.

I only consume beef jerky in the car, it’s a weird habit.  I feel extremely caveman like when I rip it from my teeth and slowly chew on it salvaging every last flavor I can like it’s my last meal.  And of course.  It could be, the Interstates are dangerous you know.

I have tried many a beef jerky and stick in my lifetime and I have yet to find any one particular brand of beef jerky that comes close to Jack Link’s  Teriyaki beef jerky.  It is buy far, the juiciest, most flavorful and scrumptious piece of cow’s ass you’ll ever put in your mouth.  Its in a yellow bag. They have a website but be careful.  www.jacklinks.com isn't it. I think it's jacksnacks.com or something.  Not www.jackslinks.com.  That’s apparently a porn site, for a different type of craving. I'll find out later  I’m really not much of a “pick your own beef jerky with these tongs that are lying on top of the sneeze guard thing and that’s probably hit the ground of this place at least 20 times a day” beef jerky.  You know the ones I’m talking about. It’s right buy the cashier.  Costs twice as much as the other jerky's in the isle.  Sometimes in the shape of a silver dollar.  Why a silver dollar.  The cavemen didn’t cut they’re jerky up into a silver dollar and I shant consume it such as that.

Go-snacks:  

An absolutely piece of technological marvel for the new Millennium.  They product has been out almost a year.  But I can’t get enough of how impressed I am with it’s practicality, durability and its. Try it. just trust me.

The wonderful world of collecting condiments. 

Don't judge me.  Yes I'm a dork.  But I like the bigger straws from MacDonald's and sonic. (insert perverted joke here) I take a bunch of them from MacDonald's and use them for other restaurants.  

Ketchup eating and usage:  My friend matt has an interesting way of eating Ketchup in the car, of which I adopted. He folds the packet and half, and with his incisors cut a small hole in the middle of the packet.  he sucks the ketchup out and then takes a bite of his fries. No mess. I prefer to do the same except squeeze the ketchup on the fries, there isn't any little corner of packet to get all nasty on your clothes or car.

Not my idea, but I have a friend who always has a restaurant style ketchup bottle in her cup holder. He doesn't use it cause he holds his drinks in his crotch.  And has it handy in case they forget the ketchup. Don't have it in the winter time though.

Napkins

What napkins? I'm on a road trip for Pete's sake, I use my thigh or the side of my seat.

Ranch.  

Don't like your food but you've already driven off and can't get back? I always try to order a side of ranch.  If you don't like your food try putting a little ranch on it. Fries, burger, tator tots, etc.  Doing so makes your food taste like ranch.  Recommended if you like ranch.