|
Episode 5
Theo speaks!!! It’s sooo cute, pretty soon he’s
going to be talking complete sentences and everything!! Theo reminds me so
much of myself on the Quest or Darkwing Duck.
Remember the Opening credits of the Disney afternoon
two-hour-power-play in the late 80’s. You had all the main characters
from the Gummy Bears, Tailspin, Chip n’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers, and Duck
Tales hopping around hanging out with each other, and then you saw that
one guy…or thing…or duck? He was just there chilling, hanging out, for no
reason just to hang out. I was in fourth grade, we didn’t have the
Internet back then, no Google, I couldn’t figure it out, and neither could
any of my friends. In my group we had an idea of who he might be, but
alas, we were also 10. Then, two years later, Darkwing Duck appears in
the time slot where the Gummy Bears were supposed to be then a big “Ohhhh,
I see your purpose now” feeling came over. I get that same feeling when I
see Theo now.
Let’s start off with a nice little B-reel of the
lovely town of Telluride, whom at this point, due to the hatred of the
corporate powers of MTV had cause many of the townspeople to get drunk and
yell at us all the time. We had a meeting with the producer Julie Pizzi
this afternoon about the way we’re behaving, and how production is on the
verge of being cancelled due to repeated noise violations. This
particular part of the town, Mountain Village, has a 10 or 11 o’clock
noise suppression law in effect Monday thru Thursday which I think we
broke at this point at least 7 times…out of 8 possible days.
It was like a Patrick Ewing interview during his
Georgetown days, humorous and sad at the same time, watching Ewing stumble
through words that were more than three syllables long that weren’t
“Basketball” and provided us with such quotes such as, ”Umm…it was…you
know…umm… a good game. You know?” It was sheer entertainment. On the
other hand, you almost felt sad for him. He was wasting a free education
at a world-class institution with no regret and would be completely fine
as a fully-grown man with the educational capacity of a fifth grader
because he was going to be a millionaire. Ok, any way the reason for this
huge tangent of an analogy was due to the conversation with Ms. Pizzi and
us as a group. Once you read it you’ll understand.
*Disclaimer, This isn’t verbatim in terms of quotes,
but the actual event did happen, and the discussion pretty much went like
this...hit it. (Cue the DJ).
We’re told to gather around in the front of the
house with the wonderful Mrs. P. informing us that we’ve been bad.
JP: “Ok, guys, it’s gotten to the point where I have
to tell you this, AGAIN. We’ve told you once, before we started taping,
that there is to be NO loud noise after the designated time. We’ve just
been informed by the local law enforcement, that we are going to have to
vacate the premises if the locals call the police again. We’ve been
warned twice by the police that it can’t happen again”
(This was a Goldie by Abe)
“What happened? We haven’t done really anything I
can think of. We haven’t done anything loud around the neighbors right in
front of us. We do all the partying in the back where no one can hear us,
there’s no houses right behind our house just the little canyon.”
JP: “Exactly, that’s what I’m saying, the ravine
behind you, it echoes. Did any of you guys think of that? Everyone that
lives in the ravine hears you, over and over again. And you guys are
antagonizing them.”
Random RR/RW person: “Like how?”
JP: “The first time they said that someone was
hanging off the balcony screaming and cussing at people and when they (the
neighbors) yelled at you guys to quiet down, you cussed back at them…”
RR/RW: “And the second time?
JP: “Well, the police said that the neighbors came
out at midnight and yelled at you guys to be quiet and you responded by
saying, ’Fuck You! Telluride Sucks! You can all suck our dicks’, and
things of that nature.”
There was a good maybe 10 seconds of silence. We
genuinely felt horrible. Even the people, like me, who didn’t have
anything to do with any of the noise making, felt bad that Julie was
getting the brunt of the blame from the community…and then someone spoke
up.
RR/RW person: “Well, you guys are the ones that gave
us the free alcohol”
I did not make this up. That sentence seriously
happened.
JP: “Your kidding me right?...I mean…there’s no way
that your implying in the least bit that…”
RR/RW: “Well, what else are we supposed to do?”
I repeat, I did not make this up.
JP: “Excuse me?”
RR/RW: “Yeah, Telluride’s a pretty boring town at
night and you gave us the free alcohol”
JP: “Oh, my god they’re
serious. They’re totally serious,” she says to herself completely
astonished that someone actually said that WITH other people nodding in
agreement.
It takes a good 30 seconds of her pacing around with
her eyes wide open and her hand on her forehead, for her to even think of
something to say that would even remotely make some sense so that we
would understand.
JP: “Ok, how can I explain this a little better?
Okay (deep breath) if we get reported to the police one more time then
production ends… and then you guys don’t get the money.”
RR/RW: “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!”
That broke it for them
RR/RW: “We’re sorry Julie, we’re not going to do
anything to jeopardize the show.”
JP: “Thank you
When the meeting was over someone said under their
breathe, “Dude, why’d she fucking talk to us like we’re children? I
mean...c’mon”
Followed by another person (I SWEAR TO GOD) “I know,
and it’s not even really our fault, she knows that we know it’s her fault
cause they supplied the alcohol. She just didn’t want to admit it.”
Ok. The episode
People go way too much about morals and such with
Matt. When people mention the show to cast members, we have to spend a
good amount of time defending ourselves and actions on what is shown, but
with this show it’s a little different. I spend most of the time
convincing people that :
a)
RW Rachel isn’t anorexic.
b)
Cara is actually great fun and not annoying.
c)
Matt isn’t as overbearing at all.
The last of those is one of the harder ones to
defend though because of the fact that every piece of ammunition that
could be used was used. One thing I’ll never criticize about a person is
their passion, whether it be: pogs, music, or God. If you
whole-heartedly put everything into something, you can only hope the best
for them. I’ll get more into this the next episode.
Holy Canoe batman!
Coral reiterates to the world that she has a fear of
water, which reminds me of a story…
(flashback time)
I remember when I was coaching my sister’s soccer
team 3 years ago, which for me was right after college, and some of the
parents let the girls and the rest of their kids watch parts of the
casting special. A little brother of the girls on my team, he was about
7, he came up to me and said, ”Coral lives in water. Your friend Coral
says she hates water. Is she a liar?”
It’s still laugh about that story.
Matt: “I’m an eagle scout” (I used that line in a
bar once, she didn’t want to see my merit badges.)
After we are given the canoes, Dave, Adam and myself
start giving brief lessons on canoeing. I had a little experience in it
from when I was a youngster (see line above), same with Adam. Dave had
the most experience in it being an instructor but, he can’t out-shout
Adam, so Adam became the leader.
The preliminary team meeting.
This was the first mission where we actually needed
to have a somewhat decent discussion about how to communicate, and use
strategic thinking. But the old adages still applied…
“Okay, in order to win this challenge we have to
beat the Real Worlders in the race”
“We need to focus.”
“This is a team effort guys”
It was pretty easy for us. I won’t bore you with
the recap but basically, the guys paddled and the girls scooped. The
girls yelled at each other on how to properly scoop water, it was a pretty
humorous fight, even though it lasted for way too long. There’s no
occupation on earth I think that would require a proper water scooping
technique. I don’t think any of the girls were firefighters in the 1850’s.
I have to admit though, the soundtrack to this
episode is pretty kick ass. I realize I just sounded like a 16 year old
typing that sentence. That’s so lame. My god, now I sound like I’m 16
stuck in the 90’s. Like gag me with a spoon. I’ll stop beating the
posthumous horse.
Water was seeping in from the hull, it trickled out
like money out of pocket, nothing spilled. It wasn’t a big deal. Our
girls did a great job. Not really sure what technique they used. After 10
minutes of deliberation, I think it was decided to be something like this.
1. Put bucket in water
2. Let water get in the bucket
3. Empty bucket.
4. Repeat.
I have a merit badge too.
Trishelle is wearing the hat she got at the Sound of
Music gift shop during her interview.
Norm has his Quigley down under hat. I will save
the Gay Men/Tom Selleck remarks. Cara has her hat. Everyone has hats. This
is the number two rule that we broke for BMP, “hats with brims and/or
bills are not permitted.” Use of personal cameras is number one.
Team meeting time
I’m the official counter of this tally
As names are being read out, Veronica gets 3 number
three’s in a row. Rachel gets pissed and stands up…
“why is..I mean…how..ugh”
She sits down.
Veronica is pissed about her votes but doesn’t say
anything. A few seconds later RR Rachel then says, ”I thought we were
voting on performance” and nothing more. She stopped. There’s a no
speaking rule considering voting in the room.
But honestly at that point even though Veronica was
never dead last in any of the missions, she was always at the bottom. She
was the 4th out in the first tier of the swimming mission. She
fixed her hair back in the puzzle mission. Was out in the first round, I
believe in the ball mission so on and so forth. But Rachel would act like
she was king of the Royal Rumble. No Jimmy “Superfly” Snukka is she.
But Tina has to go.
(Remix)
The hills are aliiiiiive, with the sound of
muuuuusiiic….
The Real World group meeting always seems calmer on
the show than what I remember happening. Our rooms were right next to
each other. And after every deliberation there would be screaming and
fighting every five minutes with either, Alton or Irulan, or both leaving
to go the the patio to cool off. We’d be finished in 5 minutes, while
each one of there arguments lasted sometimes the whole hour.
Everyone is afraid of Coral. There are very few
people that can step up to Coral. I honestly think the world is afraid of
a confident, intelligent, bitchy and witty black woman. She has a very
powerful presence. Its part of the aura that is Coral, even if she is a
bitch sometimes, which she’ll even admit to . If you decide to confront
her, you better come back with some heavy duty firepower, no pre-WWII crap
either, you best have some Patriots, radar, Blackhawk, Ak-47 type crap.
She will be able to snap right back and completely burn you. That’s why
Coral had no beef with me, she used to hate my little habits but respected
the SPF 1500 that was within me and wouldn’t say anything.
Matt has balls to be able to face up to her, which is
pretty damn commendable, but he doesn’t have the army. I mean he has
God’s army (teehee!) but Corals smart, she doesn’t confront Matt in a war
of words. She just uses her hypnotic powers to influence the rest of the
group to turn on him. When Mike finally breaks down after a hard decision
Coral must leave to reflect on the events that just transpired. Coral gets
so frustrated she needs to leave…
Coral (exit stage right)
Mikes is torn over the decision to choose Coral over
Trishelle.
Life has taught us to make tough decisions in this
world, selecting your college, declaring war, divorce, and deciding who to
send to the gauntlet on a reality tv show. Each one getting more
complicated than the other.
Theo speaks again! Go Darkwing! Getting back to
Darkwing real quick, I think the delay might have been because of Launch
pad’s contract with Ducktails. I don’t think his agents were allowed him
to have star billing of two shows initially, in the end Launch pad paved
the way for such stars as Bob Saget and Kelly Ripa to stretch their now
limitless possibilities.
The wrestling belt was the speaking tool for RW. We
had a tennis ball of which I wrote, ”Conch” on it. One time during a
meeting when everyone was talking, I picked up the ball and screamed, ”I
have the conch” no one but Dave and Sarah got it. Yes, you can understand
my frustration. To them still quoting Austin Powers movie lines is
considered comic genius but you do the same thing to a classic novel from
20th century literature (which was also a movie too I might add) and
people give you a blank face. If Piggy had been there, I would have made
her say it like 10 times a day and to me, it would have never gotten old.
Camera out to Coral, Alton
“My friend, my friend, my friend, my friend, homie,
confidant, pal, buddy, my dog, my boi!”
“Your supposed to take care of me.”
“Something’s off”
“Something’s off?”
I don’t even need to make comments to make this even
more humorous. It’s like an Angus Rib-eye, it’s fine just how it is.
B-reel time...
Wouldn’t it be funny, that during one of the b-reels
(filler, usually panoramic shot) of anything between a waterfall and a
horse galloping that for just a split second you see Cypress Hill?! I’m
not talking just our show, but any show in general. That would make my
life a little more complete.
The Gauntlet
Tina is so excited.
Coral with the Medusa voodoo stare. It scared the
hell out of me; I almost fell into the water.
Tina loses.
A few weeks later I happened to chat with Tina. She
asked me why I was a part of the conspiracy that put her in the Gauntlet.
I had no idea what she was talking about. She then said she was hurt that
one of the people that helped cast her (I had met Tina two years earlier
when I was at a casting call in Nebraska, she made it all the way to the
finals and was actually the first person chosen to replace Sarah on RR11
but she turned it down and went the next year instead) and her “Asian
brother” would spearhead the vote to get her kicked off. I hadn’t. She
did well in the swimming and didn’t harm us in anyway. I had voted
Veronica, and Abe 3 and 2 and I had forgotten who I gave a point on that
one, it was a throw away point anyway. Anyway, she told me that I was the
leader in getting her kicked off; she named the people that had told her
this theory, it happened to be the same ones that had voted her in the
first place. Ah, the loyal bubble friends of BMP, makes me want to be the
bestest of friends with them. I am loyal but I was honest and upfront
with whom I voted for. Its one thing to vote for a friend, but it’s
another to mentally screw one. Cue the memorable montage please…ok
ok..what? There isn’t one.
Tina crying. Roni talking. Tina leaving. Veronica
complaining. More talking. Rachel/Veronica claim that WE are out to get
them. Lot of people got together. Nope….
Something, something hurricanes, duh duh “Ducktails!
Racers, Lasers Airplanes, duh duh Ducktails!
|
