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Oooo, where’s my popcorn. The Wade Robson project is
on. Oh, no wait. Damn. It’s the new Challenge, including yours truly.
I’ll just have wait incessantly for Wade to break it down some other
time. Too bad. I really needed the inadverdant humor. My personal
favorite at the end of the breakdown, when he includes the two other
finalists the opportunity to do the entire choreography and concludes it
with a banging bass drum and with their heads facing the ground…they
slowly raise it up to the audience with a “try to look sexy AND straight”
look on they’re face. Classic.
(and yes I wrote this before the SNL skit) so now it
looks like I just copied it. Crap.
Intro/Episode Recap Part 1
I bring you, an episode recap. First off, I need to
remind myself to make a little “guide to” snippet later about some of the
lingo, references, and occurrences that I flash myself into when talking
about reality TV.
I’m going to combine the recap special and the first
episode, because honestly there really isn’t any that really
differentiates one from another. For the most part it was a piece of
recycled corrugated wood. Some of you might have noticed that they
basically reused a lot of the same footage from the cast introduction,
(sans me in the first episode) and the machine that is Viacom that is
responsible. Not that machines are bad. About an hour ago one made me a
white chocolate Macchiato.
Some of you might be wondering the points of the
episode 1 reintroductions were needed or why the first episode was even
needed. The episode recap was a Mtv Production and the first episode was
a BMP product. Hence the different intro, the cuts, edits (swipes music
choices) and blends. It has a little different feeling. It was like
watching Joe Montana in a Chiefs uniform his last two seasons, same guy,
same knowledge, same west coast offensive game scheme, but with a
different crew can give the product something different. Ok, that
reference stunk. Ok, how’s this one? You give a class of second graders
a bunch of construction paper and Elmer’s glue and you wait 30 minutes.
Some kids might have a pretty butterfly before them, one might have a
dragon, and a couple others are either throwing paper bits at each other,
eating the glue, or drying it on they’re hand and peeling it off acting
like its skin. Same materials, different product. It all depends on the
director and their own vision.
With MTV. They’re treating it like a 30
minute movie trailer. They need something shocking, tantalizing,
something with skin, with some little interjections of wit and humor to
lure the audience to watch for the next 4 months. As for BMP, storyline,
development, sex, relationships, fights, etc are all an integral part of
development for they’re show. They have different goals, different people
running it, and they’re forging completely different directions with how
they felt they should have gone with the episode. And both directors have
experience with most, if not all, the cast members and each has a
different opinion on how they should or will be perceived by the clips
they show of each person.
The BMP producers love me, as does Jon Murray. He’s
the one who cast me, my first interview. The problem, if one can call it
that. Is that yes, I’m damn sexy, suave, witty, self -deprecating and
have a dimple which all adds up to a really neato person. Notice I didn’t
say “reality neato person”. There’s a huge difference. If it were
they’re choice of picking friends, I’m pretty sure I’m up there. But in
terms of reality TV the way it is now. I could be downright boring. No
one seems to have cut ups anymore, and since my boobs are way smaller that
coral and Tanya’s that puts me on the backburner with the tea kettle.
Fear not though, this is not self-loathing in any way. If anything it’s a
compliment, and I like tea anyway without lemon though, the New York
natives love their tea with lemons.
I tell you this basically to inform as well as give a
little forewarning. The intro special will not run seamlessly and easily
flow with the rest of the season exactly. In terms of basic story plot?
Maybe. But as for cast appearances and screen time, it’s not really an
exact science; in terms of what I can contribute to a show they’re a
little different. I was well received and given good shots in the intro
episode, but I cannot honestly say that’s the way BMP will have me, if at
all. There was a lot more stuff going down than anything that I was apart
of. I’m not sure whether this will this will disappoint any of you or
make you tear off your jersey exposing your sports bra. It is what it
is….Lycra…stretchy.
I’ll start with the Episode 1 getting off on the
plane. Real World is first getting off the little commuter jet in the
lovely town of Telluride, Co.
Basic Intros and updates ensue, just like the
previous week. Here’s a quick rundown as if you already didn’t know. And
maybe a little interjection from yours truly.
Mike (RW10 Back to New York): I will refrain from
calling him “The Miz” From now on. I’m going to get it all out now.
Mizstake. El Mizerables, Mizery, etc. For me now, it’s in the basement.
It was a character name to him, but it transformed into a nickname. I’m
from the club that your not allowed to give yourself the nickname a la
Deon Sanders (Neon Deon, Prime Time) You just can’t give yourself a
nickname. It should be bestowed upon. But again I could be wrong, he might
have been called that in college or high school, but I didn’t here about
it till they were halfway done filming his season. Until I hear
different, I’m going to stick with this.
He’s wrestling now. I’m a closet wrestling. I know a
lot about it; I just don’t have a character, am overtly muscular and don’t
scream. Over the last couple years we stayed in contact via chat he’s a
nice guy. Oh, yeah. I can kick his ass in wrestling. No matter how much
he denies it.
Coral (again): I’m a man with coral love. With coral
she either loves your or dismisses me. She always makes fun of me for
lack of screen time, but she still loves me. You have to earn her
respect. Or she’ll bite you. Quick wit with a level of at least 8, and
being able to confidently and intelligently stand up for yourself is
needed to survive corals analysis of you. Haven’t seen or hear from her in
a couple forevers.
Rachel (see above. again): I love her. Love her love
her. When I first met/saw Rachael during a semi-final interview I
remember seeing a pixie trapped in WNBA’s player’s body. She was going
to Mizzou when I was living in Kansas, and after the season I would see
her a couple times when I passed though to visit my friends including mike
(pre-maze). The last time I saw her. Roughly a year before. She was
preparing to transfer to NYC, had black hair and looked phenomenal. She
was a little soft during her show, and being an inexperienced vegan didn’t
help matters either. But she had lost a ton of weight, and did so
healthily; I know I had to pay for two meals she ate within two hours of
each other. She kept it off and she looks absolutely stunning. She’s
literally just jaw-dropping and you can stare at her. I don’t look at her
as a little/tall innocent girl anymore.
Irulan/Alton (Real World Las Vegas): They’re from
Vegas. I know nothing about the show. Never watched a single episode.
When ever someone talked about them, I would envision there names
alternately. It wasn’t until the week before that I find out that Alton
was the Guy. And yes, I will say that I’m that Naïve in terms of that
particular cast.
Nathan (RW 7 Seattle): VMI guy, that’s one of two
things I remember about him. The other was he was in the Kansas City
airport (winner of the “Worlds most boring people watching airport” award)
during his season for some reason. He sounds like a young wolfman jack
with a cutback of half the cigarettes. Don’t get me wrong. I used to
enjoy me some Wolfman Jack. Random fact. The song “Mexican Radio”
apparently was referring to the Powerful Radio stations that were on the
Mexican side of U.S.-Mexican border. With no frequency and wattage
limitations, the stations could be heard a couple states away, of which
how Wolfman Jack started his Career.
Norm: (Real World B.C. Atlantis) Dude. Norm is old.
The original member of menudo. Waayyy back when. Know nothing about him,
but I have to give him credit for looking absolutely great at his age.
Montana (RW Boston): Honestly didn’t say a single
word to her, till a couple days later. I gave her the recipe for my own
‘smores cereal (1 part count chocula/1 part Golden Grahams and add milk)
and that was it. Nothing more.
Matt (RW New Orleans): Didn’t know much about him.
He was the God guy from his show. That’s basically what I know.
I’ll skip the others and include them in other
tidbits. Maybe for the next episode.
The Matt Christian thing.” I am the spokesman for
Lifeteen”. I will be the spokesman for matt. Now because of our
background in web design/graphic design and any other nerdy computer
component you can think of Matt and I were designated the computer freaks
of the house, we tweaked fixed or downloaded any other programs for
everyone else. Just out of curiosity. I decided to push a button, not
anything mean or vulgar or anything else to bring attention to ourselves.
I put up the fact with his reaction my father is Christian and that my
mother is Buddhist. Imagine the look on his face and when he opened his
mouth in horror and he then told me….
Absolutely nothing.
Matt’s faith is way overblown. He’s a great guy. I
think he got shafted. No idea if they built up the drama for maybe a
future episode but He’s completely respectful of everyone’s wishes.
He’s lives by the bible, but he’s not a bible beater in any since. He
doesn’t push, imply or agitate any sort of belief on anyone. The only
time he talked about god to me was when I asked him about his job and what
he’s doing; it lasted maybe 3 minutes, 5 max. And maybe one other mention
of something when about cutting back on a corona. Yes. Believe it. I
asked for a Lifeteen shirt from him. He asked if what, for any particular
reason I wanted it. I told him that its a shirt that says “Christian Cowboys”.
That's just funny. He agreed and took no offense on it whatsoever.
I can honestly say it’s completely Pavlonian when it
came to this God thing and everyone else. You can play with the dog,
walk it, pet it, nap with it, and his ass won’t drool on you. Once you ring
that bell though, he’s drooling. It’s a trigger. This was like matt. He
wouldn’t say anything god-like unless asked or pushed for him to defend
himself about something. He was never on the offense or brought it up in
any regard. Matt hung out with me more than anyone else. It’s completely
overrated. Matt woke up in the morning, read a passage for 5 minutes, and
did the same at night. Notice he was by the bed. I know a lot of people
who do the same; I do too, exactly the same. I just substitute the Maxim
with Catherine Bell instead.
The Snake Soup
I love how everyone has to tell what Johnny just told
us. Basically tread water.
Rules, don’t splash, float or move the snakes to the
other side.
Isn’t it annoying how the rules are repeated 5 times
to the audience? I still don’t get that. I taught 2nd grade
and I still don’t have to repeat everything that much.
OK, since I’m basically doing this off a little
memory and no video tape to recap anything. I’ll give the basics.
This was going to be a tad bit difficult for me due
to my lungs. I have the lungs of a 70 year old man who’s been smoking for
60 years. My bronchi are half the size of normal and my bronchioles are 5
times smaller than normal. I only breathe 295 psi a minute when a person
my age should be doing 695-725. It’s pretty bad. Steroids only do so
much, and it doesn’t help any more. And also with the 13,000 feet
elevation it makes it a little easier than death.
It was terrible just to walk up the stairs. I hated
whining. But a lot of these people are extremely self centered with
they’re own problems. “Yeah it’s tough for me also, this elevation is
killing me” I heard that a shitload. I then gave up that my problem is
incomparable to me. Until Theo went to the hospital for his breathing.
His lung capacity was 60% functioning; everyone was worried for him
because he had to go the hospital. Mine was still three times less than
his, and that’s after with provental and aerobid.
I’m a good swimmer and an excellent floater. I
figured that they’re would be some type of swimming contest and I actually
had practiced a decent amount holding my breath, swimming, floating etc.
But these things were as useful as Ashton Kutcher.
I knew there was absolutely no way I was going to win
this at all. The water was way freezing. It was actually 38 degrees I
believe. I think they put it higher so it wouldn’t make it seem as
torturous and mean to the audience. But yes, it was not much higher than
freezing. But my goal was pretty simple and that was to be around the 9th
10th or 11th person out. All the non swimmers would
immediately sink, and then a second tier of people would come out and then
another. And then the last three or four people on both teams would last
forever. I just needed to be in there long enough so people wouldn’t even
think about me when considering a vote off. Trying to be under the radar.
Simple enough.
We all get into the pool. People shrilling at the
temperature. And then Latarrain looks at me, smiles and said, how many
black people are going to be out of this pool within the first minute?” I
laugh, and he responds, “Steve you know you’re in the minority too” I
agree. The whistle blows and we float towards the center.
No need to go into detail much. It’s cold and we
float. And there’s snakes freaking out at the fact that they’re cold
blooded snakes from Louisiana being dumped into a pool full of freezing
Colorado River water. They’re pissed also, along with about 50 surprised
frogs that were also dumped into the pool.
Contrary to the way it was shown on the show. The
actual order in which everyone got out is completely different. Within, I
would say 20 seconds, Roni and LT are immediately out of the pool. Theo
was soon to follow. I was feeling good at this point and figure that I
could last maybe 10-15 minutes. Lungs were being compressed pretty hard
but I was still able to cope with it for a little while. My goal was too
sing from being fatigued as opposed from lack of breathing. I wasn’t
really paying attention to the real world side except noticing that David
was out as well as coral. I didn’t really care about the real world side
because I wasn’t going to compete with them knowing that there was no way
I was going to be the last person standing.
During this time, the RW and RR side is talking trash
to each other. Particularly Abe, he’s splashing water to the other side,
talking trash and just screaming like a freshman in the quad on Friday
night with his first case of Nattie Light. He given a warning to stop
from Mr. Mosely to stop about the slashing. About a little minute more.
He splashes some more. He gets a second warning from me and Mosely
because he’s splashing me which is pissing me off cause I’m trying to
concentrate on my breathing and corals bathing suit. A little bit later
veronica is out of the water. The first tier is gone. It would be a while
before any one else would go.
A couple more minutes passed. I’m feeling decent.
Katie is starting to fester a little bit and everyone seems fine. Abe is
still talking shit and Tina’s screaming at something. Abe does a couple
more splashing fits, including a “Look guys no hands” deal and as he’s
raising his arms in jest and tosses some water in the process, which
conveniently 90% of the water goes down my nose and mouth and into the
wrong tube. I start coughing frantically; my body panics and I go under.
I’m not tired, not cold. I’m just pissed. I surface
back up to the surface and screamed,”Fuck!” I was livid. Nothing I could
do, I was so pissed at Abe... I swim to the side of the pool and just
lament.
At almost exactly the same time, Katie left the pool,
and soon after Sarah, we were the second tier….I didn’t come close to my
goal.
From what I can remember the episode had me the
second one out on my team. Love the AVID.
Well and of course, since everyone loves talking to
each other, and the bubble is an extremely powerful element in the world
of challenge, Sarah Pilates was sent into the Gauntlet only to trounce the
Goliath, played by the role David, whose role was played by Sarah.
Confusing? Yes...
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