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Football in
Chicago.
With this being the heart of Big 10
country, I can honestly say that I’ve still seen Louisville play more than
any other team this year.
I’ve seen the University of
Louisville on ESPN and ESPN2 about 17 times this year. I don’t think
they’ve ever had a Saturday game.
I know the systematic development
with the freshman Brohm and inserting him in place of Lefoures at certain
moments of the game. I know about the 16 year old 315 pound Okoye from
Africa. When I was 16, I weighed 128 and was upset that I had to wrestle
at a “fatter” weight class of 135. He’s 16 and apparently wants to be a
doctor and taking pre-med classes. I think I was praying that my mom
wouldn’t walk in my room and catch me masturbating.
I have a more familiar understanding
of U of L players than any Big 12 team with the exception of maybe Texas
(they seem to be on all the time here too)
I know the capacity of Papa Johns
stadium. I’ve learned more about the University of Louisville during the
current football season than when I lived in Kentucky.
At least they’re fun to watch.
What was the point of that?
Absolutely none.
-It is better than seeing every
Rutgers and Army game on Saturday on Fox Sports. If you got a demotion on
fox, they sent you to do the Army game. And then at the moment you might
have to call a great traditional game like the Army-Navy game, they pull
you and they hand it to the networks. It must have been terrible to call
some of those games. There’s only so many times you can say,”ran for
negative yards”, "army trailing by...", "undersized", "winless", or
“incomplete” It’s more about as repetitive as a Daft Punk song (I like
that joke so much it’s going to be repeated frequently. Like a...Daft
punk song....)
Rim shot.
-Since I’ve lived in Chicago, it kills
me that i haven’t gotten to go to a single football game in the heart of
Big 10 country. As well, as Notre Dame and Northern Illinois (underrated)
within an hour drive.
-Fox’s
kick off live w/Tom Waddle is as bad as a Wichita “morning zoo” radio
program with the wacky guy and the token calm female to straighten him
out. He sometie does a pre-game sketch that’s equivalent in funniness to
the last three Mango sketches on SNL. He basically tries to do an
extremely bad Jimmy Kimmel rant/sketch at the banging of each Bears game
with out the smirk, wit, funniness and overall human factor involved.
-I’m not a Bears fan (even though I
did go to the preseason game against the 49’ers featuring the electrifying
Ken Dorsey) for the basic reasoning that the Bears are responsible for 2
out of the 3 reasons why I stopped doing fantasy football.
1. Thomas Jones-nuff said
2. Jauron’s offense-
With the Cade Mcnown-Curtis
Enis single back/three wide receiver base that they were going to
implement, Ii think in 99 or 2000 don’t remember. I was probably drinking
at the time and the fact that my league didn’t penalize interceptions, I
predicted that the Bears would be throwing 40 times a game and with Enis
being the only back he’d get some monster carries. McNown lost his
starting job before the season was even halfway over, taken over by the
two-headed offensive juggenaught Shane Matthews and Jim Miller. And Enis
also lost his starting job by gaining an incredible 329 pounds during the
season. He ate himself out of football.
And a recap of the worst along with a
bunch of stuff that wind up on the cutting room floor.
3. Of course as I’ve mentioned before
was using my number 3 pick in the 1998 draft and ignoring Steve Young,
Brett Farve, Napoleon Kauffman, Robert Smith and Ricky Watters (Elway and
Terrell Davis were one and two) and selected the immortal Brad Johnson
with my belief that who ever was the quarterback of the Vikings would win
the mvp of the year along with 75% of the points needed to win the league
(Robert Smith RB, wide receivers: Chris Carter and his eyebrows ,
Hachette, when he was halfway a slot threat, and of course Randy Moss.)
And of course, he gets injured. His backup Randel Cunningham, channeling
his 1993 days, wins mvp. My friend, Mike Shryock, (who drafted him with
the very last pick of the draft testing my theory that the Vikings qb will
win the mvp wins the pot, and later uses those earning to make
huge mural mazes out
of corn.
-There was a guy in Lawrence that my
buddies and I called Chris Carter. For nearly a year we’d see him at a
bar and it was kind of always a little game to find him at random bars in
town, and a running joke how he’d be at a bar Saturday night when he
needed to be in Minnesota the next morning. First one to spot him got a
drink or something. We always joked how funny it would be if his name was
actually Chris. And we’d laugh. Not to say that was really funny but it
was also 1:30 am. We finally got the nerve to ask him what his name was.
Harold. Which we thought was hilarious cause we also had a discussion why
black guys are never called Bob, Dick and Harold, and aimed to meet at
least one by the end of the year. And the point to that was. Again
nothing.
Although i do have to give it to the
Bears that they gave one of my favorite college players of all time. a
chance to play, The legendary Steve Stenstrom.
The current Bears are the football
version of trickle down Reaganomics. It started off with St. Louis down
to KC. Which took two coaches Vermeil and Saunders, a QB (two if you count
Joe Germaine, a wide receiver, Eddie Kennison and the playbook.)
The Bears then took our QB coach, made him an offensive coordinator, our
playbook, our right tackle, our backup QB and skipped the whole KC thing
and just hired a St. Louis defensive coordinator.
Now many of you might know the Chiefs
did the same thing with the mid-west coast offense with the mass migration
of fourty niners in the 90’s (offensive coordinator, Ted Popson, Montana,
Bono, Grbac and Bryant you) but I’ll ignore you and tell you to go to
hell.
- Getting back to Mr. McNown. Not to
really try to name drop or gossip but this is a great little story. Good
old Cade is one of the few people ever to be banned from the playboy
mansion.
I was actually on the UCLA bandwagon
back in the day he was so fun to watch. It was watching a slightly
gritty, rough Steve young. He won ugly. Didn’t have a spectacular arm.
Scrambled a little too much, but wow, he could actually will the ball into
the receivers arms and win. So it stings even a little more.
To quote Teenwolf
1. “Never get less than twelve
hours of sleep”
2.” Never play cards with a guy who
has the same first name as a state”
3.”Never get involved with a woman
with a tattoo of a dagger on her body”
and I’d like to add maybe a fourth
one.
4. Never ever. Ever! Under any
circumstances be invited to the Playboy mansion and then proceed to steal
Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend.
Do I really need to put this into
print? Is it not embedded into every male born in the US since ‘59?
Any who, he was semi-stalking a
reality TV person. This was November of 2002 a year after he was
practically thrown out of Chicago, then spent a while with the Dolphins
while holding a clipboard and then subsequently traded to San Francisco
for a 23rd round draft pick in 2008 and a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.
So here is the story. It was the first
time I met this person who asked me to tell her all I knew about him (she
had never heard of him at all and at that point in time, but still wanted
to be a sports broadcaster, but of course.) and she had a little response
for a couple things.
Any way I told her of him getting a
university pass to park in handicap spots (a simple mistake she defended)
I told of him telling the city of
Chicago to “F#^k off”
“Yeah, they weren’t really nice to him
there”
I told about him about getting a
lifetime ban from Playboy.
“yeah...that’s weird”
Told her about how he made out like a
bandit with his upfront bonus $$, “oooo tell me more". She responded.
Being interested of how much he’s made.
It went on for a little bit more. I
of course told her about his failure in Chicago and my failures with him
on my fantasy team, of which I was still fuming from and while still
venting, I told her the next time she talks to him that she can tell him
thanks and to say hi to Enis for me...
I’ll leave some more details out, but
this was the keeper. This was coming off Garcia’s first Pro Bowl
appearance while currently on his way to his second, and most impressive,
wrestling the starting job away from the immortal Steve Stenstrom.
McNown, was placed on IR just prior to
this conversation, was in SF working with Bill Walsh apparently.
There was a little lull in the
conversation and she turned to me and with a little excitement in her eye.
“They’re grooming him to be the next
Joe Montana.”
Read again. Ok. Your too lazy to look
up? I’ll repeat it.
“They’re grooming him to be the next
Joe Montana.”
She said that with a completely
straight face.
Up until that point in my life I had
never actually laughed AND dry heaved at the same time.
I remember actually covering my mouth
with one hand and grabbing the countertop to support me in case I actually
imploded.
What was sad was she believed it. The
funny thing is, apparently he did as well. To be able to tell someone
that with a straight face has got to be at least 9.8 on the difficulty
scale.
And then her cell phone rings...It was
the next Joe Montana.
I go off to the other room and then I
hear.
“A friend of mine says to tell you to
tell Curtis Enis hi for him”
He then responded, “I don’t know where
he is”
Shocked that she actually said that in
my presence Ii yelled out without thinking.
“He’s probably at F*$#in McDonalds or
in a buffet line isn’t he?!”
“Now you stick to
that and everything else is cream cheese...”
-The chiefs Willie Roaf looks like Ray
Lewis on his third cycle of Orthotricyclen. (a girl told me that one so
you can’t yell at me for giving girls complexes about taking it.)
-Where are they now wide receivers?
Recent wide receivers for the
Chiefs the last few of years before Morten and Kennison: Sylvester Morris.
Derek Alexander. Brett Perriman. Old Andre Rison. Chris Penn. Kevin
Lockett. Tamerick Vanover, Sean Lachapelle. Snoop Minnis. Impressive
huh.
Do you think defensive coordinators
took 4 of their vacation days the week they played the Chiefs? I
forgot to add that they also had to take into account the batter am of
running backs Mike Cloud, Donnell Bennett and Rashan Sheehee, Frank Moreau
also. If the name Rashan Sheehee sounds really familiar to you and your
not from KC. You are officially in the running for the world’s most bored
human being. But Rashan ain't mad at you. After leaving the NFL he had
a great XFL career as a backup running back.
-Another tidbit. Donnell Bennett has
to get a Janikowski award (the most overrated players in Madden) when he
left KC to go to the Redskins. I’ll have to check my resources, my old
madden game, but I believe he was given a 92 rating in madden 2001.
Unbelievable.
A 92 rating.
Sylvester morris I think unofficially
broke the nfl record for being put on the IR four years in a row. Is that
an official stat?
Tecmo Bowl: It’s down to only two
Tecmo Bowl Players still currently active, Jerry Rice and Tim Brown. Will
there be a prize awarded to the last surviving member?
My Suggestions.
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A bronzed NES controller.
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A sleep deprived teenager lying on
his stomach as he’s playing his 9th game on way to a super bowl.
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Poster of the cheerleader during
halftime that showed her bloomers.
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A trophy with two kids standing
Indian style with a pillow on they’re lap and Nintendo controls
underneath them to prevent the other person from picking their plays.
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A plaque white Joe Montana high-fiving
a white Roger Craig?
Well I have to get going. I’m off to
go be the next Joe Montana.
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