November 12, 2003
I saw my first Chiefs jacket in NYC a couple days
ago. Unfortunately it belonged to a guy though. It was an old “people
are killing other people for starter jackets” one. And it was
embroidered with “Ignacio” on it.
My Geek Moment of the Week:
-basic Hotmail service is now enshrined my list of
the “World’s Most pointless Things Ever” It’s plaque will be placed
right next to the Fat Guy from Ace of Base. I never “check it”.
I basically log on to delete stuff. Penis enlargers, match-making
opportunities, mortgage loans, etc. Yup, they all hang out there. I’m
not alone. I just make sure I go there at least twice a month to do
cleaning. I just don’t want to lose my account, it’s sentimental. I
don’t get real email from there anymore. With it’s ever shrinking
mailbox capacity, it’s serving more as a reminder that my friends need
to invest 9 dollars a year for a decent capacity.
This is chat conversation to emphasize my
frustration.(not an actual conversation, but similar to past ones)
Friend: Dude, that was a crazy night.
Steve: Yeah, remind me to never let you near a
petting zoo again.
Friend: What?
Steve: Yeah, I have pictures and everything.
Friend: No way.
Steve: For real.
Friend: Send them
Steve: Ok…brb…sent.
Friend: What?!? I didn’t get anything? You didn’t
send it.
Steve: Yes I did.
Friend: No you didn’t.
Steve: Yes I …oh…wait…I just got returned email
“…blah blah… mailbox capacity reached, unable to send”
Friends: What’s that mean?
Steve: Your mailbox is too full so you need to
delete something.
Friends: K…done
Steve: OK…..sent
Friends: Nothing. Are you really sending me stuff?
Steve: I sent it…I told you. Oh. Another returned
email. What exactly did you delete?
Friend: An email from you that said, “Yo mama.”
Steve: No no…you need to delete something big.
Friend: I can’t delete my penis!
Steve: You need to delete another email. You
think you’re funny huh?
Friend: Why aren’t you laughing? That’s funny!
Steve: No it’s not.
Friend: Uh uh. Big Penis jokes are funny.
Steve: sometimes, but it’s too easy.
Friend: Like your mom?
Steve: yup.
Friend: Ass you need to laugh. Call me smuckers,
cause I’m too nice to be jelly, but I’m still on a roll.
Steve: Dude, you so stole that cheesy line from me.
Friend: So are you going to send me the stupid
picture or what?
-How insanely funny is Garry Kasparov’s
Sunglass?!?!? They’re hysterical. Looks like something an OBG/YN would
wear in Jamaica. I need to get myself a pair of these. The upper
echelon of comedy…it’s so..what? Oh, you don’t know who Kasparov is?
He’s the world champion chess player, it’s on ESPN2 right now with the
man vs. machine thing. Yes I’ve always been a fan of Garry. A
professional computer that talks trash and cusses…even at computers! I
remember when I was in high school and I used to watch him late at night
on a Fridays cause …no ..girls would…ever go…ok, I’ll stop. I’m
depressing myself now.
-Is it me or are White Castle burgers basically
just portable turkey stuffing?
-Joe Dirt is on Comedy Central. This one is going
to hurt. I feel like a person with an addiction problem in an
intervention…(deep breath)
“Hi my name is Steve, and I actually paid actual
currency to watch Joe Dirt in a movie theater”
(in unison)
“HiSteve” J
Yes I actually paid money to see it. I lost a coin
flip with my friend. Please don’t hate me. Anyway, the sidekick was also
in an Independent Movie called Smoke Signals. Rent it. Great
movie.
-I’ve worked at a couple restaurants during my
lifetime (3) and at each one, there was a Mexican guy nick-named “Nacho”
who was a chef, busser, dishwasher, or a prep guy. There was always
one. It’s almost a requirement to having a restaurant. After consulting
with other peers about this phenomenon, I came to find out that my other
friends had similar experiences at their places. I tried to come to
grips whether this was a politically correct practice, but all the other
Mexican guys called them that too. I need more research on this.
So I’m watching TV…
There are a number of things that I will watch
repeatedly over and over again (most of them accidentally) when I flip
through TV that will never get old this, like the universe, will be
continuously expanding:
1)
Old people falling at weddings and people getting kicked in the
crotch on “America’s Funniest Video’s. If AFV released a DVD with “AFV
presents the greatest crotch hits of all time” I’d be reserving my copy
right now at Best Buy.
2)
Chef Tony’s Miracle Blade Perfection II series: I’ve touched upon
this before and it’s slightly disturbing. I’ve watched this many times
over and over, but every time Chef Tony picks up that damn pineapple; I
get in my Dante Hall-is-about-to- catch-a-kickoff/punt-sitting-position,
my eyes widen, my ass creeps to the edge of the seat, and at that one
moment when he breaks free (or in Tony’s case, slices through the
pineapple) I fall back mouth agape and in bewilderment how such a thing
can exist in this world…Dante hall AND the miracle perfection series at
the same time…to be able to witness them both at this present time is
truly a historical occasion
3)
The “Happy Jack” hummer H2 commercial with the soapbox race.
4)
The Sobe commercial with the ugly red headed man who used to be
the ugly redheaded kid in the Sandlot and also played the ugly redheaded
kid in The Green Machine.
-So the other day I call my roommate asking if the
iron has an automatic shut off timer cause I left the iron on that
morning. She didn’t know so she calls her grandma who bought it for
her. She’s 74.
Roommate: Grandma, does my iron have an automatic
shut off?
Grandma: To turn it off, you need to turn the knob
to ‘off’
Roommate: No. Grandma does it automatically shut
off?
Grandma: Well, if you pull the cord out of the
outlet, that’ll automatically shut it off.
Roommate: But what if I left it on?
Grandma: Why would you leave it on if there were an
off switch?
Roommate: Thanks grandma, I will go home and turn
it off just in case
Grandma: That is a good idea; it could cause a
fire, and next time just turn it off when you are done using it.
-The Oscar Mayer Weiner mobile commercial with the
damn cute kids. The girl at the end, when she acts like she spells out
B-O-L-O-G-N-A with her hand in unison with her singing, she has NO idea
had to spell that, she’s 4 tops. There, I feel better now.
-So back to the “Nacho thing.” So at the
restaurant I worked at during college, we had dishwasher named Nacho.
Then another guy came in and applied to work there too…his name was also
Nacho. Matt and I didn’t know what to do. What were we to call him?
Of course there would be mass bewilderment and confusion. So Matt and I
put them sided by side, we scanned both of them. Nacho #1 had one
necklace and an earring. Nacho #2 had both ears pierced with three
necklaces. At that moment #2 was now named “Supreme”.
-So I’ve gotten actually a couple emails regarding
Matt (not RW) my friend. One was a person asking me if he likes taking
the abuse that I give him on my site, another asked if he had a
website. I also got an email from a nice young woman in Kansas who had
the opportunity to have us both sub for her classes’ way back in 2000
when I first tried teaching. She’s a junior in college now, which makes
me feel damn old. Anywho, this slight interest in him has spurned me to
put in a Matt section on my site since he doesn’t have a site of his
own. It’ll feature little tidbits from Matt that I remember. But
remember, he still sucks…at Madden AND Golden Tee. (The last comment was
made to provoke and antagonize the beast that is Matt when he reads
this. Which will more than likely result in a voicemail.)
-. The ketchup bottle phenomenon at restaurants: it
seems that if one person unsuccessfully gets ketchup out of the bottle
on the first tip, the fellow patrons react with unabandoned horror as
they try to aid their friend in peril. It’s a more communal activity
than Quakers erecting a barn.
Friend 1: “Shake it! Just shake it first”
Friend 2: “No no, you have to hit the 57, you see
it? It’s right there, the 57 you see it yet? Just hit it! Hit it dammit!
The 57 is right there!”
Friend 3: “No, no. That never works! Just tap the
bottom. That always works.”
Friend 4: “Where’s a knife, you need to get a
knife”
Friend 2: “Dear God, the 57, that’s all you need to
do!!”
Friend 1: “How come you’re not shaking it? Just
put the top on and then shake it!
Friend 5: “Put the top on and spin it!”
Friend 2: “I’m telling you the 57!! What’s wrong
with you?!!?”
Then they wrestle over the bottle and one person
prevails and then proceeds to saturate the ketchup. And the other 4 will
always say, ”I told you so”
*Long ago it was Catsup when used alone, and
Ketchup when “Fancy” but times have changed. Pop-up research for you.
-In Hoboken, there are basically three homeless
people. One of them hangs out at the corner of the lightrail we take to
go out to the bars there. He looks like a spitting image of Hagrid from
Harry Potter, but without the gigantism, magic powers or the
congeniality. He’s always asking for change, of which I never give him.
He has a damn nice guitar. So last weekend as we approach he flings a
coin, and then another, and another, and another, and another. As we
pass.
“You got any change?”
“You just threw pennies across the street.”
“They were pennies, I don’t like pennies”
“Are you serious?”
“Got a nickel?”
Last Thursday: Triumph the comic insult dog’s
weather report in Hawaii was quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen
in possibly two years.
-So a girl walked by me this morning, recognized
me, got excited and ran up to me. She looked directly at me, then
scanned down and looked at me again with a look of confusion:.
“Ignacio? I thought your
name was Steve”
And now you know…the rest of the story. Good day.
