Stuff

 -Saturday night live. 

 I was getting so excited when I was watching the premiere of Saturday night live.  During the intro clips they had a series of extremely hot girls in the cuts that held on (camera shot) a little too long, which got you thinking that Saturday Night was maybe going down the Man Show route or something, but alas…the jerks.

 Quick thought, last entry I mentioned a little bit about how TV hiatus affects people. Tina Fay is a prime example.  During the monologue and queer eye skit what happened? She go to hottie camp?  Always thought she was in the overrated hottie club which also included, herself, Paris Hilton, Jennifer Garner and Brittany Murphy as treasurer.

 -Have I watched to much Emanuelle on Cinemax?  Am I the only person who thought the kiss between Madonna and Britney was completely forced and more confusing than arousing?  I believe theoretically that it was a great move on both part and would actually give many millions of men a fantasy that they can be a part of, but the kiss was complexly awkward and completely void of any empty passion and/or groping.

 -Wouldn’t you like to be there to when Lorne Michaels says, “Rachel you’re not going to play the ugly girl, or deformed freak this week” and not mean it?

 -So many guys have a common wish, to be in a beer commercial.  How great is that? Beer and hot girls everywhere in tight clothes and bikinis, its heaven.  My friend called me up if I wanted to do it.  A quick $200 to be made and nothing else. (Didn’t want to act, just be an extra for extra $$) It was in a Coors light one.  Was there beer? Nope. I was a ticket scalper that got edited out. And was there a bunch of hot women everywhere? Nope.  Did I get screwed? Yup.  And no, I didn’t go there to be an actor.  I wanted to suck up to the Art director at DDB and hand him my portfolio and resume.

 -John Mayer.  How do you describe is voice? A loud whisper?  What exactly is the point of whispering loud?  Ever try to do that?  Absolutely pointless.  You’re just bringing more attention to yourself.  And am I the only one uncomfortable with him emphatically doing an electric guitar solo.  It’s so uncomfortable looking, you’re almost embarrassed, and you want to hide. Like whenever my dad and I used to play catch and he tried to through a curveball. You knew it was coming.  It really didn’t curve, but you felt so bad for him trying it that you just kept on kind of encouraging the behavior.

 -Is it me, when they do the NBC promotional segments and they have all the stars from the network the studio in front of the lightning and stoic poses like friends, Frasier, etc. does Fear Factor really need to be included in this group?

 -Jeopardy: I love this show, I’m glad they finally realized that a little inflation kicked in sometime around the mid 90’s and upped the ante with dollar values   But it’s  excruciating to watch the second segment after the first commercial break, when we get to meet the contested, who quite possibly conjure up the worst tidbit stories of all time.  No one has anything funny or cute

 “So Martha, you have Vermont’s largest collection of buttons”

“Dave, I hear you collect 2 dollar bills”

“Mark, I hear that a relative or yours actually waited on Abraham Lincoln?”

 It’s a bullet in the head.  What I would love to hear, just once, even it it’s real or not start with, "Alex, dude, this one time I was sooo stoned and me and my friend Waldo were at a petting zoo….” Just to see the like on everyone’s faces would be an instant classic.

 So now’s there’s the Hummer, Armada, Sequoia, Envoy, Escalade, When is someone just paint a short bus and call “the big ass” How much bigger are SUV’s going to get?  And what will be the name of the next one?  “Planet?”  “Gigantus” “Megaplex”? There are any number of Transformer names that can help them on this one.  Do we really need an SUV that can carry 3,321 soccer balls?

 I have a militant black friend, Tavaris.  Haven’t talked to him in 4 years.  I miss talking to him; he was always great for comment.  He’ll blurt out random things like “I hate sprite.  They’re trying to corrupt and control the black race with they’re advertising and celebrity endorsements.”  It still makes me smile.  And don’t even get him started on the conspiracy of basketball in the inner city.

 -Where do old white women’s upper lips go when they turn 50? I’m being completely serious.

 -Note to guys.  This is mostly geared to the Midwest.  If you ever want to make a girl happy, something that’s equivalent to flowers would be to bring home hot chicken tenders.  I have no idea what it is with females’ obsession with chicken fingers and Mexican food but it is very much alive.  More research will be posted later.

 I have officially watched chef Tony’s “miracle blade perfection series II” knife set infomercial 348 times and am still fascinated by the thing he does with the pineapple.

 Does anyone know if the Transformers: The movie is available on DVD?

 I’m watching “the switch” episode of Seinfeld.  Easily one of my top the favorite sitcom episodes of all time.  You find out Kramer’s first name. The threesome dialog with jerry and George is up there with the Pacino/De Niro coffee shop chat in Heat in terms of sheer brilliance but on a comedic level.  That’s not including cleverly making fun of bulimia. The golden age of Seinfeld before everyone clapped when a character walked through the doorway, and Newman was only used in bits.  That’s when he’s at his best.  Like Amos Zeroue for the Steelers.  In bits and pieces he’s spectacular; when he’s in a starting role he becomes ineffective and predictable.

 This episode has such classic quotes as.

“…do you ever just drop down to your knees and thank god that you know me and my dementia?”

 “That’s like discovering plutonium by ACCIDENT!”

The little stuff that made this show separate from the rest.  I can go on and on.

 -Thinking of which it might be a top three episodes all all time with the “Jeopardy” Cheers episode and “Lisa’s Birth” on the Simpson’s.  I need to make a list.

 -I need to some sports rants off my chest.  Varsity Blues and Jerry Maguire at the same time.  How dare they on a football Sunday.

 -Playmakers on ESPN: I watch it to see how a show that has so much potential at being a great TV show just become more and more terrible as the weeks go on.  There’s so many things that they could fix.  If they somehow turned it around I still don’t think I could still thoroughly enjoy it.  Now some people might remember the RB Demetrious as the sidekick to “The Smart Guy” on WB, but I still can’t shake the visual of him as “Omar” the fat chubby kid from “Wild And Crazy kids” on nickelodeon ten years ago.  Am I the only one with this visual with him and the blue team?

 So I move from Kansas to NYC in Feb and…

 1. KU goes to the NCAA Championship game.

 2. The Royals have a winning record for the first time since Real World London.

 3. TNN/Spike TV starts showing American Gladiators reruns and my current cable provider doesn’t carry it

 4. And lastly and most frustrating, the Chiefs are 6-0.  Without me and my best friend Matt to enjoy this season together. We went and supported the Chefs(yes I know it’s misspelled but this is what matt and I call them) through all things turbulent.

 -We endured the heartache of two 13-3 teams never make it to the Superbowl with Steve “oh no” Bono. And a missed kicked by Lin Elliot. 

 -We were there to watch Neil Smith leave and go to the hated Broncos only to win the Superbowl the next year and rub it in our faces.

 -We witnessed the chiefs choose Elvis Grbac over Gannon.  Yes.  This isn’t fiction, it actually happened.  And to make it seem more unbelievable.  We(the city) didn’t seem to mind this move, no ensuing riots or anything…..NOTHING.  It

  -After we then convince ourselves of the afore mentioned note, that this is the right move, only to see him (Gannon) go to the despised Raiders and see him transform from a back-up quarterback to become a three time pro-bowler, then become an MVP, make the playoffs twice,  THEN a Superbowl appearance,  and to cap it all off an appearance in a pizza hut commercial.. What made it hurt worse was that Gannon turned into super QB the moment he signed with the Raiders, it didn’t take a year or even a few weeks to get him used to the system.  Like big bang immediate, like when Hot Rod turns to Rodimus Prime after touching the matrix.  Just jaw dropping.

 -I can’t hate Gannon though.  Every Saturday night before a game, Gannon would come to the restaurant Matt and I worked at, and request Matt, and he always tipped well.  Reggie Tongue, now with Seattle, would come on Thursdays and requested me all the time, and it was heartbreaking when he also left, cause he always tipped 35%... Don’t even get me started with loss of income when Johnny Damon left.

 -We had to witness the Marty Fallout. Of 98’ and watched the running back carousel of Marcus Allen, Tony Richardson, Kimble Anders, Greg Hill, and Donnell Bennett, work at the beginning of the year and always fall at the tail end of the season. Only to lose the beloved Derrick Thomas in a car accident, with our last football memory of DT having a mental collapse on the last drive, and for 10 plays, and become Romanowski.

 -I had to experience rereading the Grbac thing I just wrote 45 seconds ago.

 So I simulated the Chiefs in Madden this year and honestly they were 6-0. They still have a high scoring offensive but Bartee had 7 interceptions thus far into this point of the season.  Which means only one thing, Bartee is underachieving! Granted he’s on disabled list and hasn’t played much…but still.

 So I get to watch the Chiefs game in a NYC market!  How rare is that?  I had to go to the bars to watch them but for some reason the Football gods gave me the gift of the Chiefs being broadcast and watchable from my own home, in boxers.  The only setback was having to listen to Dan Dierdorff be part of the crew.  I have issues with reporters/broadcasters/TV personalities with lisps.  Shouldn’t happen.  You’d think that the first day of Journalism/Broadcasting 101, the professor would say, “Anyone with a lisp will fail this class. It’s way to distracting, and you’ll ruin the mics with all the saliva your projecting.  Fundamentals of Speech Pathology 114 is right down the hall”

 -You think Dierdorf American Gladiator jokes ever get old when he works?  Does anyone still remember this?  Him and Todd Christianson.  It was like the NFL Europe for football broadcasters.  And lets not forget Mike Addamsly and his rise to the XFL ranks.

 -Speaking of American Gladiators Did it ever get any better for a broadcaster than Todd Christianson?  He had the porn star mustache-mullet-perm curl activator combo. 5 star.  It was unstoppable, it legally can not get any funnier than that in the world of broadcasting….EVER! I’ve tried googling him.  But no dice, if anyone has any information of a picture do send it my way. 

I need a separate section for this, I can go on forever.

 Ok any way back to my Chiefs rant.  So for some holy reason, the Chiefs are being broadcast in NYC.  I’m ecstatic.  KC vs. Green Bay at Lambeau field.  Quite a contest. And it’s in my own APT!! Fast foreword to KC making an unheard comeback with Green looking more like Farve than Farve is.  Then Tony G makes the 80 yard catch.  I have to call matt

 “AHHHHHH” he answers from Des Moines.

 “AHHHHHHH!!!!” I respond in joyous celebration.

 I can actually hear him jumping up and down.  We don’t say another word.  And we both hang up.  That’s it. just 6 seconds of yelling.  And with 54 seconds left and the chiefs with the ball marching up the field. A voice over ensues

“Due to contractual obligations, in a few moments were going to switch games. Sorry for the inconvenience” 

“Wha Wha?” How does this happen.  Arguably one of the best games of the year.  It was named “the prime cut” game of the week.  Doesn’t make sense.  But they continue the game.  Maybe they’ll wait till the end of regulation.  We’re getting closer and closer to sending it in over time and with three seconds left the chiefs are lined up in field goal formation and then…

 “We now take you to the Jets game in progress”

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 I swear.  Those of you in the NYC area know what I’m talking about.  They cut it right at the snap. I swear to God.  I’m not kidding.  I don’t know if the kick sailed through.  You can’t make this stuff up.  I frantically reach for the computer and try to find the ESPN Game cast and the KC radio station that’s broadcasting it.  Takes 35 seconds but feels like 3 hours.  Did he make it?  Did the Dutchman make it? Please T-1. Please work for me this one time. I get logged on.  It was good.

So now I hear the radio broadcast and the Chiefs are getting the ball back after getting a field goal blocked and GB unable to capitalize.

The phone rings.  It’s Matt . Only he has permission to call me at such a time. It’s ok.  They’re going to give Priest the ball a good 4 times again.  We’ll have some time to kill.

Matt: You see it!

Steve: I’m having a heart attack right now.

Matt: This is CRAZY!

Steve: I know I’m listening now…

And in mid-sentence I hear in the background “Play action fake green to Kennison…He’s got it! He’s got it!!”

Matt: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Steve: ”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hear he him jumping. He hears me also.  We hang up the phone.  Haven’t talked to him in a month.  And it was basically 8 more seconds of monosyllabic yelling.  That’s all we need. It was a good 4 hours  before he called me again to recap the experience.  I tell him of the evils that the NYC contractual obligations did to my blood pressure.

He’s going to write a letter.