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November 24, 2004
Happy Thanksgiving everyone..
Mase just did it. The Chiefs
tried to do it in week 5.
It is time now for me to make my voice
and actions heard once again.
But don’t call it a comeback. I’ve
been here for years..
“Update your shit”
“Steve, when are you going to update?”
“When are you going to update so I can
criticize your grammar?”
“Does this e-mail still exist? I think
it does, since I’m the one who wrote the ‘Steve, when are you going to
update?’ e-mail and I didn’t get an e-mail back saying it doesn’t exist.
“Dear Mr. Meinke: I’m a very rich oil
guy in Africa who needs your help in transferring my millions of dollars
into America but I need your help...”
Some of you have even disputed my
existence, bringing back my Darkwing Duck memories.
but alas; I’m here to say that I, in fact, do indeed exist, according to
the national census bureau and the IRS, and yes the website still exists
as well.
I haven’t really updated in nearly a
year. With a 49er-like myriad of problems I had to take a step back for a
while reassessing my situation with the website. Complications first
stemmed from the “my doom” virus, which was compounded with my service
provider, then lack of time to really write, then I moved to Chicago, and
lastly because I became a lady killer.
Like I said, it all basically started
with
1. The “My Doom” virus.
This time it was the website itself
that got a hold of the virus. Apparently, I happened to be fortunate and
lucky enough to be one of the first people in the entire world to get this
virus. My dad, gets officially military
updates warning of viruses from the gatekeeper of computer viruses whoever
that is. Usually Microsoft or Yahoo will put out a press release a day or
so later. I got the virus three days before my dad’s SOS got to me. So my
server crashed and with the virus not yet really known on a public scale,
the good people at Norton were about as effective to me as Pedro Martinez
in the eighth. I chatted with them and they thought I was a hypochondriac
with computers.
“Are you sure something is wrong with
your computer?”
“Here, take this download (placebo
version of a download) see what happens...” It was a jpeg of a puppy or
something.
So this virus (which later turned out
to be two different versions of the mydoom) apparently was a destruction
type virus that combined the powers of another virus to form the “psycho
ex-girlfriend” virus that went through my mailbox and spread out more of
the threatening virus to anyone that ever mailed me, which in turn, opened
myself to other forms of virus abuse that to try to gang up on me and my
computer whenever I went out to the bar. It also sent out messages under
my email address, and invited pop ups to come in and out of my life.
So in turn, anyone whoever emailed me
during this period of time, became registered by this virus and was sent
an email (from my website) to you, the readers.
Then I immediately wrote on the home
page:
“Do not respond to any emails that
come from this website for the next couple of weeks. It is a virus. It
isn’t me writing to you. Also, please do not write to my website; you will
get a virus in your inbox. I’ll try to remedy this as soon as I can."
Not to knock on some of my readers,
but I got a couple of emails shortly after my post.
“What kind of virus do you have?
“Hope you get rid of your virus”
“You should get McAfee or Norton”
“Steve, I got an email from you but it
doesn’t say anything”
And of course they all got viruses.
Now, I know some people skip the home
page and link this overview onto their favorites and didn’t realize there
was ever a virus, and unfortunately the virus got them also.
Over the next couple of days I got
assorted emails including ones telling me to “go to hell and that girth
enhancing products are full of crap and that I’m going to be blocked from
sending emails.” The virus also used my address as the home location for
many such girth enhancing and overly obese chicks getting “nasty.” I even
got a nice little email from myself that I didn’t write, or, at least, I
don’t remember writing to myself, but I’m pretty sure I don’t think I
would need to e-mail myself to sell me a logo for my business.
For a while, actually a couple weeks,
the mydoom virus put a huge damper on my site until my server was able to
iron it out.
Moving on……
2. Newport Communications.
By far, one of the worst customer
services of any business I’ve ever encounter, worse than the bouncer that
screams, “NO touching!! NO touching. Hands to the side. Hands to the
side!!!” I’ve never been frustrated so much with a company ever before
with the exception being the company in the back of “A Boy’s Life”
magazine that sold me “snapping gum.”
Let me continue, during the spring,
we, when I say “we” I meant the morons at Newport Communications.
The company is Newport
Communications. I repeat Newport Communications. During the last four
months of my residency in New York, I was able to get the Internet on back
to back days four times. I had the Internet for four consecutive days
once. I’d have weeks where I had no connection whatsoever and had to rely
on the UPS store for internet at an outrageous price of 30 cents per
minute. They had one computer, and there was always a lonely single man
in front of me who would routinely look up mail-order Russian brides and
disturbingly jot down notes after viewing each one’s page.
Calling and complaining would prove to
be pointless. It was always a prerecorded message, “We are experiencing
Internet problems with the Lincoln, John Adams and Washington towers.
We’re trying to eradicate the virus; we are currently propagating the
problem. If you are having problems connecting to the internet, go to
www.microsoft.com/download and make sure your settings are set to
automatic Microsoft updates.” Yes they always said that last line. It
would be moderately funny if I didn’t have to check out the scores during
March Madness every ten minutes.
3. Time.
I needed to make money, so I had to
work more and write less.
4. We moved to
Chicago and were getting free cable.
Yes. It was a dilemma. My roommate
and I were getting free cable. We have no Tivo, so use of a landline is
completely useless by our means and the fact that I didn’t want to get
dial up service just for internet browsing. So, we had to weigh our
options. Get free basic cable with no internet. Or pay for cable and have
internet. It’s like the drunken bar question ”If you were given a million
dollars, but you had to give up watching TV for the rest of your life,
would you do it?” Well, we tried to go for the former and after the fourth
month it became too much, we broke down, got the Internet, REAL cable and
HBO Espanol.
5. Most importantly I became a ladykiller.
Let me elaborate...
About seven months ago I got a call
from Matt. We discussed his frustration of another idea of his that was
stolen. This time probably consisted of Pepsi Edge and C2., which he
thought up years before, which I could attest. I got a phone call at 6 am
on a Sunday a year before with this voicemail.
“Eh. It’s me! So I’ve been thinking.
You like Coke or Pepsi, whatever your preference is, but you don’t like
all the calories, but you also hate diet drinks. So you’ve had to come to
grips with one or the other. But wait! Lets say there’s a drink that is
HALF-Pepsi and HALF-DIET Pepsi. You still have the scrumptious taste of
regular Pepsi, but with half the calories. It’s Pepsi-Half!! You LIKE
Pepsi half!! click)
I saved that message for a month
before Sprint deleted it automatically after exceeding its time.
Anyhow. When I called him back, after
discussing his stolen thoughts, the conversation went into another subject
and he sounded a little down. He went and saw Ladykillers. When I
asked him about it summation of it he just said in a down-trodden way
“Tom Hanks has forgotten how to be
funny”
It actually bothered him. And as he
explained it to me, it started getting to me as well. Tom Hanks was the
king of dorky white everyman in the 80’s; he was Ben Stiller’s Character
before Ben Stiller.
Was there anyone more that you wished
for his hot girlfriend to dump him just to see him comically rumble
through life for 86 minutes?
He was nearly unstoppable. Splash,
Money Pit (he was actually so talented in unassumingly carrying
that movie that he reinforced the fact that he was able to get Diane
Keaton to convince herself that she could be a movie actress) Bachelor
Party. The Burbs, a movie basically with one set, terrible
special effects and camera angles but still so repeatedly watchable. He
even made Joe Vs. the Volcano tolerable to watch, which has evolved
enough to be a regular on the basic cable movie carousel which is now
available at least seven times a day on one of the 38 HBO channels on
digital cable. (side note on Joe Vs. the Volcano: The first five
minutes of that movie is one of the most influential reasons on why I have
yet to have a 9-5 job).
But then Big happened.
Symbolically, this ushered him into more grown-up roles. He grew up too
fast and realized that he could actually function in an adult world with
adult roles. He branched over the single male quotable/mid-late twenties
and became an adult. A disease that has infected 95 percent of my peers
and constituents Yes, I know Big was before The Burbs' but it still
works with the analogy.
And now it’s 2004, and in an
entertainment version of a mid life crises. He tries to relive his youth,
taking on The Ladykillers. It was his Porsche, his yacht, or
younger trophy wife. But sadly, like many of the old guys, he just
couldn’t pull it off. Simply stated. He forgot to be funny, and became
neighbors with Michael Keaton in this small, close-gated community.
Now I’m not saying he’s not talented,
charming, or not a great lead anymore. He really is. Like your really cool
younger uncle who used to let you ride on the back of his motorcycle, if
you didn’t tell your mother. Then one family Christmas dinner, his hair is
short, has a ring on is finger, traded in the bike for an SUV and although
he is still a great guy, but you miss that other part of him that’s either
buried or was traded in as part of the moon roof package. But you almost
have to accept it. He really can’t go back, it would be too awkward he’s
gone too far forward. Stuff began to seem forced, and too easy. Now I’ve
forgotten if I’m talking about Tom Hanks or the uncle.
And with it came with me. I’d try to
write, but it was terrible, worse than my normal drivel. I’d have my Superman notebook open to the latest page of notes
written I've written and they were so cryptic that the enigma
machine couldn’t make sense of it. Upon
re-reading certain notes that I’d written, now it was a subject that was
completely uninteresting, (but at the time when I jotted it down, it was
genius and hilarious) upon further review it was just the phrase “salting
the land rover” staring back at me asking to make a sober, cohesive
thought.
I used to be able to pound out 20-30
pages of pretty decent stuff in a couple hours. When I was on, I’d be
able get 45 pages of stuff done, with maybe 25 pages of something decent.
That is of course, without grammar and spell-check, as if I'd ever
do that. For
a while I’d sit in front of my computer and it would take me two hours to
write half a page and then I would just delete later after reading it. It
was getting to be as frustrating as figuring out which button Ashlee
Simpson needed to push to properly lip sync. But hopefully, Chicago, a
new city, new beginning, new chapter etc., will help to get a little more
juice flowing like on a George Foreman grill, and could be easily
discarded in that open sided tray with the grey stuff floating on it, 'til
the whole thing solidifies again.
Some updates on exactly what the purpose of some sections of this
site that never got updated are.
Madden Section: It
was created with the intent of finding video game dorks like myself and in
turn giving them a humorous forum to challenge me and talk a little trash
before the game. It never happened and probably will not because of the
fact that my internet service prevents me from connecting it to my cable
modem (it would be an extra $30 a month just to do this) and I’m not smart
enough to go bypass all their security stuff. Back to Madden, as I’ve
learned recently; it’s nearly impossible to beat the college student and
more specifically the sixth-year senior. When playing online, you’ve
passed that line of what defines a dork a while ago. You’ve thrown
yourself into a whole new world of people invested in the online gaming
community...and they’re all crazy. I was included, but I basically became
a prison bitch, I was being passed around like cigarettes and giving me
derogatory feminine expletives. I forgot how intense video games were at
places of higher education. It’s enormous. Money is many times involved
as well as reputation in standing, like when Matt used to hustle Golden
Tee and give lessons. And I’ve found that I can’t
even come close to those people who have 8 hours of GE classes and their
futon perfectly situated four feet from the TV with many continuous hours
of perpetual button pushing. I’ve learned that I just can’t compete with
the big boys anymore and should stick to slow pitch softball. It’s kind
of sad.
So basically this section will deal
with terribly boring summaries of my franchise (currently in its seventh
year) where beer in my stadium is purchased for only a dollar even in the
year 2013. Along with maybe a ramble about sports, or more specifically,
the Chiefs. And maybe reader comments along the same lines. I’ve had a
few people express their feelings about mixing to much of my rants and
combining them with sports tangents and other stuff, so I’m just going to
give it an entire new dwelling to stay. I never said this
section will be interesting.
T-shirts: I’ve
received about 2,342,423 emails about my t-shirts that Sarah and I wore on
“The Gauntlet”. Most of them are my own little side project. Once I get
my Second City textile factory working I’ll be sure and get the t-shirts
up for sale. And hopefully it’ll be soon.
College Corner: Soon,
I will have a new section devoted entirely to college life along with some
helpful hints of living college life that, if they were in my possession
back when I was there, would’ve saved me tons of embarrassment, money and
probably would have obtained super powers of sorts, like throwing
fireballs AND having super breath that freezes stuff. I’d be called the
Human Thermos, and my costume would include a red hat that also doubled as
a cup.
I will be getting some assorted
contributions for this College Corner from my female roommate who will
provide the girls perspective and also from Mr. Dave Guintoli of Road
Rules 12 as well. Get excited! Ok, don't. Not a biggie.
We’ll leave the light on...
New Stuff.
Bio Thoughts Stories
(there's a few) madden tangents
There's going to be more soon.
I might set up a newsletter of sorts when I set it up.
Thanks for your patience guys.
December
21,2003
New Years Resolutions...
1. write more
2. update site more
3. remind myself I am cool
4. tryout for a professional baseball team
any holiday cheer can be sent to
mailbox@steveuncentered.com
be safe
happy holidays
I will update very soon
November 28,
2003
Dear Ms. Thompson,
My dog ate my homework. I'm going to have it to you shortly....
November
12, 2003 12:30
Look what I found.
November 11, 2003 11:29 p.m.
Back from a little vacation. When I say vacation I mean computer virus.
I know I'm two episodes behind but at least I have
episode 5 up.
November 6, 2003
Roommate quote of the day, "Steve, can you kindly remind me why we have
a fork in the bathroom?"
I'm two behind, which means um..something. Dammit, can't think of
anything witty. Here's episode 4
November 6, 2003
Everything is now apparently fixed and episode 4 and 5 will be up
tonight.
November 3, 2003
After a crash on the site and a nice little virus that nestled quietly
within the hard drive, the site is up again. There will be a bevy of
updates either really late tonight or tomorrow afternoon.
I'm trying.
PLEASE
READ!!!
October 22nd, 2003
First: The thank you.
Thanks for not bombarding me. I really appreciate it.
Over the last four weeks I've seen this website explode with hits.
It's really flattering, and I whole-heartedly mean it. My hit count
was about 300 a day from January to July. Now, I'm getting a
resounding 12,000 hits a day. Many of you aren't even RR fans. You
just enjoy some of the other facets of my typo ridden mess...and IIIIIIII
want to thank you, for giving me the best days of myyyyyy liiiiife.
Now for the bad news
Second: the request.
Due to this alarming number of hits that I have been getting.
There has been a large increasing number of people clicking on the
pictures that are around the site. These pictures take you nowhere
For the most part, like my buddy Bubb Rubb's little sister says," It's
only fo decaration, nuttin mo' nuttin less"
The reader: "Why are you telling me this Steve?"
OK. (deep breath)
So I get an email from the lovely providers at
www.lunarpages.com, who give me an
enormously generous amount of MB to use for this site (of which I've only
used about 20% of it's capacity) to inform me of a problem. My bandwidth
is reaching it's limit.
What's that mean?
Well, without putting useless technical fodder on this site, I will try
to explain. My bandwidth is being used up. If it keeps up at this
rate, my website will crash in 5 days and be unavailable to access for the
next two weeks.
If you keep clicking on these pictures, for whatever reason. Albeit to
copy them, put them on your screensaver, insert them in an email etc, the
website will be shut down. That includes, the site itself, along with the
email folders..
It's repeated clicking on these pictures that's using up the
bandwidth. I
"Why are you telling us this? By putting up this post aren't you
just asking for some jerk to click on all the pictures depleting your
lovely bandwidth and shutting down the website prematurely?"
Well, that's a good question, but based on cooperation from other
requests I've had, hopefully this will not happen. And also I felt
that I should give everyone a heads up on the site anyway because,
according to Lunar Pages it will crash in 5 days no matter what...unless I
ask you nicely to stop, put you seats in an upright position and enjoy the
ride until we get out of this turbulence in the next few days..
Can't you just get more bandwidth?
No, not until my cycle for the month has ended (tee-hee) and that won't
be for about another two weeks. That's why its imperative to stop clicking
on pictures. The servers automatically will stop access to the site when
it's reached it's limit, until a new cycle begins. When my new cycle
begins, only then, can I get additional bandwidth.
Steve we like clicking on pictures, it's an addiction. What do
we do till then?
Try going to other sites and clicking on their pictures. They'll
like the hits anyway.
Can we still visit your page?
Of course you can. You don't have to knock or anything. I've always had
an open house rule. I just ask that you not touch certain things or
go into other parts of the house until permission is given. I'll have
juice boxes waiting for you.
What if the site crashes before the 5 days?
Well then, you can thank the asshole for pissing all of us off.
Thanks for you patience. As Malik would say "much love"
thank you.
Steve
About 5
hours after the Last update.
Due to some extreme negligence upon myself. There are some who got a
hold of some privy information. Yes, granted, it was a mistake, and
one shall suffer the consequences. But please I am asking as a
person who enjoys privacy as much as writing little tidbits for you to
read.
People can email me at
mailbox@steveuncentered.com and I do read every one, except for the
Stamina-RX guy. Although I can't answer all of them. But please once again
try to be respectful.
Roosevelt asked the media not to take pictures of him during his
campaigning and they obliged. Now, I'm no Roosevelt, nor do I have
polio or any other degenerative ailments, but I do have one simple
request. By judging from emails I receive from everyone, I'm pretty
confident that you'll abide my wishes.
Not to sound mean or heartless.
Please do not add me to your buddy list. I do not chat, I also
delete all emails that I'm unfamiliar with. The only exception to
that are emails that are sent to the addresses on my website.
Again, feel free to email me at
mailbox@steveuncentered.com
Much appreciations.
Steve
October 22, 2003
Episode 3 is up. Still haven't seen
the last one. Some new
Thoughts (which aren't edited yet. But demand calls). Mailbox
coming maybe later tonight.
October 21, 2003
My internet has been down for 4 days. Update for the last week's
show plus some other stuff will be up later in the day. As for last nights
episode. I had to watch the chiefs. They don't rerun that game 8
times during the week.
Dear god I was fat on the show huh?
*Just a reminder. I'll be guest Bartending at Calico
Jacks on 42th and 2nd in Manhattan Wednesday. Bring people and like
totally drink and stuff. It'll be great fun. You bring the boom box,
I'll bring the cardboard.
October 13,
2003
Sorry in the delay of the recap, here is
Episode 2. Also some newly added Thoughts
October 9th, 2003
Dear Verizon,
Please make my T-1 connection work possibly anytime after 4 p.m.
That would be greatly appreciated.
October 7th
BMP doesn't send tapes to us
before the show like they have in the past. So updates aren't going
to be as up quickly. Late tonight, maybe tomorrow morning is when
it'll get done. sorry..
October
6th, 2003
.
All challenge/reality questions to
rrquestions@steveuncentered.com
don't have enough up yet for this challenge to post them. Oh, and
congrats to my internet connection past dusk. All random questions to
mailbox@steveuncentered.com
I did a little more stuff. Some things are moving, some are
shaking.
Stories: Yes it's stupid.
Final Episode 1 recap. It's finished. Just
keep scrolling.
My God, Clay Aiken is mesmerizing.
Sept 30th, 2003
A Delay in Updating
Heeding to calls of concern.
After several emails, I have finally realized that the little typos
that I have little concern or regard for are actually annoying a few
people. My stance on grammar is still basically the same in terms of
the internet, it doesn't exist. I never reread anything I write, nor
correct them, but since my website doesn't offer much besides tidbits of
words, it has dawned upon me that I correct my ways. I would figure that
they weren't erroneous enough to effect the flow of the writing and that
it would still be enjoyable to read. I was wrong.
This comes after several emails with statement/inquires with my errors,
especially since, being a teacher, I should have more concern with the
protocol that goes along with the art of writing. So, basically for
the first time since the spring of 1999, I will...(sigh)...edit.
As heartbreaking as that sounds to my lazy ass, it is something that shall
be done. So in response. My updates will be postponed in favor
of dealing with all the green and red squiggly lines that I've ignored for
too long.....
Steve
Sept 30th,
2003 11:57 p.m.
Okay, I was only able to get part of the recap on. 8 projects
going on and nothing wants to cooperate. Stupid demo programs.
Recap
Sept 30th, 2003. 6
a.m.
There is an episode recap. It's done. I promise.
Couldn't put it up last night due to the fact that I need an internet
service that actually works. I will put it up later tonight around
10 p.m. eastern. I actually have a job interview! Go me. And I
don't have time to input it yet. And hopefully in the future, I'll
get them up sooner. I didn't get a tape sent to me, so I basically
saw it the same time as everyone else. Sorry for the delay.
September 26,
So Mr. T one is pissing me
off. For some reason, even though I have my own proxy address and
line. There is still some sort of overflow traffic. Simple terms, I
get no internet for huge chunks of hours at a time. Which in result
leaves me with no updates. Sorry, Monday for sure.
Hmmm. Anywho....well hmm. can't think of anything important to
say here.
For some reason I still can't figure out, the load time is pretty
molasses like, the pictures aren't high resolution. I'm still
baffled. And apparently for those of you with a 28.8 modem it takes
277 seconds for you to download this page. Now normally that would
make me want to figure out this problem more I've just decided to get lazy
and tell you guys to take my hand and guide you to the wonderful world of
2003.
September 23,
Some of you need questions on
why I haven't updated in so long.
It’s my first week of updates in nearly five months. Relax, the Accord
gets a makeover every 4 years.
I know some of you are pissed, I know some of you are upset at the fact
that I haven’t written anything and I know that 99.9999% of you aren’t
even aware that I haven’t updated and continued to go about the everyday
suburbanite aspect of life.
First of on the apology of not writing. It’ was basically a financial
issue. Actually not even one of that. It was the covert "dirty" or many
people call "ghetto" way. Since neither me nor my roommate have a phone
line at our place. We could only opt for cable modem, but...the cable
company forgot to turn off the cable. So we were getting free cable. And
we dare not call and get the internet through the cable company. And thus
no updates.
check out Stories, the main one and the ones
on the left. Archives will be up soon for the loyalists.
September 22, 2001
Welcome back, to this lovely exciting
adventure in Steve's uncentered world. Yes it's still kind of a
stupid name for a website but since I've already paid for the domain name
for the next two years I'm stuck with it. But just look as it as
inspiration for the theme of the new and improved, revamped web site.
Now some of you maybe thinking, this is the same site, different
packaging. Your doing a Pepsi on us. Can's different but still taste
the same, what gives?
I shall be bigger than that and reply with a simple, "shut up"
I'll give you a little update, quick synopsis.
Moved into an apt. on the jersey side of the nyc metro area.
I'm still keeping much of the design aspect. simply background.
I know there's a hell of a lot of rambling I do and pink font with a
repeated picture of me as the background wallpaper would get tiresome on
the eyes after a while.
Click around: I've put up a bunch of little things to find. Kind
of like secret codes in video games, except there not as hard...and..er..not
as cool and...well ok actually it's kind of lame. Never mind.
some new things.
-I know now what this "spell check" is and how it can benefit my
lifestyle.
-some things are aren't up yet. They are almost done, 70%.
But I wanted at least part of the site up for the first episode. But
bit by bit, they will be up. It'll be like a teaser to get you
coming back. I'll be honest. The only things really up right now is
the thoughts and mailbox
section.
Simply put:
my new little entrepreneurial project is now a reality. Everything
is up and running...almost. It's not quite ready yet since I have
to battle my server for pay pal privileges (they have contracts with two
others) as soon as that gets resolved you'll be able to see all that is
"simply put"
-Initially I would limit myself to how much I could actually put on my
site. Pictures take up a decent amount of memory, so I was pretty
cautious about everything. But then I check out my input/output
thing from the lovely people at
www.Lunarpages.com I found out they I now have 500mb available to my
name. "What's that mean?" the wonderful website reader might ask.
Well, more pictures for one thing and now, when I get my video editing
skills more on par. Video Clips. That's down the long road but still.
It's pretty excited. And yes I'm a web nerd.
-I'll be always constantly updating the site. Especially this
week. Like every couple of hours. Thanks for being patient.
Um: can't really think of anything else to write about right now about
all that is this website. Browse around. grab a bag and peruse
through the aisles. If you have any questions, we'll be more than
happy to get one of our representatives to help you out muah Steve |
