Superman Hair
Baseball Solomon
Tobayashi Macdonald's
being old
Atlas Madden 64
Nintendo System of Loading Driving
to the KC airport
Superman
This is cute.
It’s been a long night. Halloween of 2001. I just flew in from LA and
hadn’t made any plans. I’m at my parents house. They picked me up from
the airport. The girl I’m dating. We’re on the outs by then. Haven’t
seen each other in weeks, calls she wants to know what my plans are that
night. I really didn’t have any. I was supposed to make an appearance
for the radio station if I made it in on time. But I don’t have a
costume. Do I?
I
rummage through the basement. I have an idea. Don’t know if I still have
them. I have to go through all the clothes that I’ve kept but should have
given to goodwill years ago. But it’s here! It’s here!
I
stand in front of the full length mirror. Damnit I’m beautiful.
I’m
wearing my superman underoos.
(oh
what? I never went into that detail. It’ll be in the next book. It
really didn’t flow well with the symbolic nature and tone of the story at
that point in time)
it’s tiny. I look damn good in it though, even if it is made for a 5 year
old. It’s still a midriff, just how I remembered it, tight as anything.
There’s a problem though, where’s my cape and red underwear with the
yellow utility belt thing? It never came with a cape. I don’t have blue
tights either. I have more digging to do.
I’m standing in front of the mirror again. I have on the shirt. I found
some old blue sweatpants and a pair of red speedos to slide over the
pants. After extensive tucking I’m ready. I tuck in a red towel under
the shirt on the shoulders, and a pair of my bright blue wrestling shoes
from high school.
Don’t ask me why I have a pair of speedos. So my costume isn’t me as
superman, but an 8 year old trying to dress up as superman.
I’m
at the radio gig for all of 5 minutes. My roomies call to inform me of a
huge Halloween thing in Lawrence. Perfect. I call the girlfriend and tell
her my plans. She’s not going to out with me. She’s embarrassed about my
costume. Screw that. I’m going to go out with my friends. After
consuming much kryptonite I wind up crashing at the friends. I wake up in
the middle of the afternoon, in my clothes. I’m hungry. Starving.
Without missing a beat I get up outfit and all except the cape, someone
apparently needed to take a shower or wipe up their vomit, and head to
Burger king. I walk in.
“hello”
“hi, what can I get you today”
“Can I get a bacon double cheeseburger combo with a Dr. Pepper?”
She
scans my up and down and with a smirk on her face replies.
“Super sized of course”
“But of course.”
Hair. My technique.
I
wash everyday. I have oily hair.
I
condition every two or three days based on physical activity and stress to
the hair.
Every two weeks I do a thorough deep conditioning treatment to keep my
hair full of shine and health.
To
style.
-
while slightly wet apply bed head wax stick to entire length of hair.
-
Rotate in a counter clockwise fashion through out the head.
-
finish with Hard Head.
Mojoyner
Baseball tangent, instant messenger style.
Lefties: I ever tell you about my bat in high school?
Boardum2: no you didn’t
Lefties: Moljoyner
Lefties: my baseball bat
Boardum2: nope never told me about it
Boardum2: I like new stories
Lefties: junior year, I was the leadoff hitter.
Lefties: took me two years to get it
Lefties: Dave one of my best friends, was the lead off hitter for two
years
Boardum2: that means you are good if you are leadoff my friend Jeff is
the leadoff hitter
Lefties: and I finally beat him out for it after two long years
Lefties: but
Lefties: at my first game I went 1 for 2 against the top pitcher in the
state
Lefties: and a hit by pitch
Lefties: I was 5 for 7 against him lifetime...I owned him
Boardum2: where did you get hit at?
Lefties: the elbow
Lefties: I wasn't laughing, get it? The funny bone
Boardum2: okay continue
Lefties: actually the foot
Boardum2: okay continue
Lefties: but
Lefties: I went through a huge slump
Lefties: my average dipped
Lefties: I was 3 for 21 or something
Lefties: it was terrible
Boardum2: what was your batting avg. before
Lefties: egad
Boardum2: that is not a number
Lefties: .180
Lefties: terrible
Boardum2: that is horrible
Lefties: I thought it was a slump
Lefties: something temporary
Lefties: but
Lefties: it wasn't
Lefties: wasn't temporary
Lefties: I was distraught
Lefties: it consumed me
Lefties: I wasn't doing well in practice either
Lefties: only thing saving me was my fielding and pitching from getting
benched
Lefties: I went from batting leadoff
Lefties: then to 9th batter
Lefties: pathetic
Lefties: huh?
Lefties: I was sad...hardened....humbled
Boardum2: yes
Lefties: but
Lefties: raw burger Anne (saying in high school. We were like a raw
burger. Far from being done.)
Lefties: raw burger
Boardum2: of course
Lefties: my dad and I went to the cages and tried to figure out what was
wrong
Lefties: my balance? my swing? I batted .340 the year before
Lefties: what changed?
Boardum2: the bat??
Lefties: I went to grandpa's
Lefties: its a local sporting goods store.
Lefties: not my real grandpa he doesn't know crap about baseball
Boardum2: okay you made me giggle continue
Lefties: and we couldn't come up with any conclusions
Boardum2: is this high school correct
Lefties: I tried different bats throughout the slump
Lefties: correct
Lefties: but still didn't work
Lefties: but at grandpas, the store, not the real one, cause he doesn't
know anything about baseball
Lefties: we checked out some bats.
Lefties: and then I see it
Lefties: this thing
Lefties: this thing of beauty
Lefties: the cashier
Lefties: damn she was a hottie
Boardum2: continue Steve,
Lefties: come one
Lefties: that was cute
Boardum2: I know I just don’t like to give you too much credit all the
time
Lefties: so I see this bat
Lefties: light, yet strong,
Lefties: small, but with character
Lefties: average length
Lefties: but extremely thick
Boardum2: I was waiting for the joke I saw it coming
Lefties: the bat Anne
Boardum2: okay fine
Lefties: it was the maximum diameter allowed
Lefties: but still yet lightweight
Lefties: it was beautiful
Lefties: I stared at it for what seemed like hours
Lefties: but it was actually only for a couple seconds
Lefties: I swung it to and fro several times
Boardum2: you are making this story very suspenseful
Lefties: to
Lefties: and fro
Lefties: to
Lefties: and fro
Lefties: to and fro
Lefties: dad: like it
Lefties: me: very much so
Lefties: dad: wanna get it?
Boardum2: oh come on Steve you are being so difficult right now you are
getting to the high point of interest, climax if you will,,, now finish
Lefties: I'm not sure, I'm batting shitty. if I get a bat, and continue
to bay shitty, the guys will give me a lot of shit for buying a $140 bat
Boardum2: true
Lefties: $140 in 1994 was a lot
Lefties: but we get it anyway
Boardum2: okay continue, this is the longest story you have ever told
that could be consolidated into five minutes
Lefties: so I get the bat
Lefties: I'm batting ninth against Todd county
Lefties: I'm pitching
Boardum2: is Todd the good pitcher
Lefties: no no the high school Todd county high.
Lefties: completely different
Lefties: but it was the debut of my bat
Lefties: I kept it a secret
Lefties: for the week
Lefties: didn't use it in practice or anything
Boardum2: okay
Lefties: and it's now time for me to get up
Lefties: and I pull it out
Boardum2: this story better have a great ending
Lefties: the bat
Lefties: and it's glowing
Boardum2: ha
Lefties: for gods' sake it's glowing Mel
Lefties: jaws drop
Lefties: everyone is in awe
Boardum2: of the bat..
Lefties: this bat wasn't even in the east bay catalogs
Boardum2: wow Steve
Lefties: I know
Lefties: I know
Lefties: it has a soccer sock on it
Lefties: to protect it from scuffs
Boardum2: dork
Lefties: and over that soccer sock...an argyle sock...for
decoration...and intimidation
Boardum2: you are so weird
Lefties: like a cobra
Lefties: or a rattle snake
Boardum2: just don’t stop keep going
Lefties: decorated...beautiful and fearful
Lefties: fearful I say
Lefties: yes...like the cobra.....my bat
Boardum2: I heard you
Lefties: repetition for effect missy
Boardum2: I am getting full effect don’t worry
Lefties: the night before I was reading my comics
Lefties: the avengers,
Lefties: and one of the members
Boardum2: I don’t know what comic that is, but don’t explain it either I
trust you that it is good, and I am sure there is a great story or joke to
go along with it but just continue the story
Lefties: Thor, the Norse god of thunder.
Boardum2: thor is in adventures in babysitting
Lefties: yes
Boardum2: continue please
Lefties: right
Lefties: remember the hammer the little girl would hold?
Lefties: remember?
Lefties: you there...
Lefties: I'm making a stupid story suspenseful huh
Boardum2: back
Boardum2: you are making this story painful to listen to Steve
Lefties: anyway...thor's hammer
Boardum2: I went upstairs to get candy and I don’t even like candy all
that much
Lefties: it's name is moljoyner
Lefties: his hammer......
Lefties: my hammer
Lefties: my bat
Lefties: one in the same
Boardum2: I get it
Lefties: cute huh
Boardum2: don’t you dare end the story there
Lefties: wha wha?
Boardum2: I waited to long for that to be the ending
Lefties: well ok
Lefties: it's my first at bat with the bat
Lefties: I have a cockiness
Lefties: a power now
Lefties: no longer am I .180 Steve
Boardum2: a distinct difference in the two
Lefties: I am RAWBURGER!!!
Lefties: with moljoyner by my side!!
Boardum2: bold font huh
Lefties: for effect once again
Lefties: the pitcher winds up and throws
Boardum2: very effective nice touch
Lefties: I step towards the pitch
Lefties: ball
Lefties: moljoyner knows when to swing
Boardum2: I don’t need all seven pitches summarize Steve
Lefties: there was only 4 thank you
Boardum2: fast forward to when you get the final pitch for this at bat
Lefties: he walked me
Lefties: but
Lefties: I went 3-3
Boardum2: nice work,
Lefties: with a double, a bunt, and a ground rule double
Boardum2: thanks, that story was brutal Steve
Lefties: but
Boardum2: don’t put that one in any book
Lefties: the next day
Lefties: I went 3-4
Lefties: still batted 9th
Lefties: then the next day
Boardum2: it is NEVER ending, did you like my effect
Lefties: I was back at leadoff
Lefties: go Steve
Lefties: I wound up batting .680 for the rest of the season
Boardum2: did you know this was supposed to be a five minute break
Steve??
Boardum2: that is phenomenal
Boardum2: impressive
Boardum2: let me guess, did you break some record or something? is there
more issues involved?? did something happen to the bat?? is there more to
this never-ending story
Lefties: bat only struck out once
Boardum2: wow
Lefties: I struck out 9 times before
Lefties: moljoyner
Boardum2: Steve there is a reason why your stories are told in person and
not typed
Lefties: the fate story was typed
Lefties: as is my book
Boardum2: that is different the suspense was necessary in that story
Lefties: I liked this story
Boardum2: it doesn’t make my top ten list
Boardum2: the Osborne’s are on tonight
Boardum2: that show is funny, they are funny
Solomon
Solomon. Bible story of the man who came across two
women who were fighting over the same baby, claiming both were the
mother. He took the baby, and was going to split the baby in two, so they
could both have it. One mother rebutted, and said no and that she(the
other women) could have it. Solomon then gave the baby to her saying that
a real mother would not let harm to come to her child. Later method would
be used to consume hot dogs in mass quantity.
Tobayashi
Now for those who don’t know who Tobayashi is. He is
the world famous tiny Japanese guy that destroyed all the fat men in the
hot dog eating contests. He ate an astounding 50 hotdogs in 12 minutes on
July 4 2001, the world record previously was at the same contest in 1999.
He completely demolished the world record that day set by runner up Arai
Saitama. He developed a new revolutionary technique towards eating hot
dogs, he broke them in half and shoved them in whole. Dubbed the
Solomon method Tobayashi kept this technique secret
until the world championships. And broke the world record halfway through
the contest. The other contestants were so dumbfounded and in awe of this
living legend that many of them put down they’re hot dogs and watched this
man devour and obliterate any notion for those who don’t believe he is
that baldest mother in this world. Many of them gave him a standing
ovation before he was done. And to be an ass in a Keyshawn kind of way.
As he stood on the podium to receive his mustard belt (for first place) he
ATE ANOTHER THREE HOT DOGS!! But he can do it, when you’re the best…
The press conference that followed gave us such
intense and life altering quotes such as.
"For the Japanese it is a day of extraordinary success," declared
moderator George Shea.
"The hot dog eating contest is not only a beautiful display of
athleticism, it is a fundamental way for citizens of all nations to
display patriotism," said Wayne Norbitz, president of Nathan's Famous.
This amazing feet affected matt and I so much we clipped the news
article and kept on the Fridge. Matt has moved since then and first thing
he did when he moved into his new house he put that same clip the new
fridge.
Macdonalds
One
of the most amazing concepts of our time is the “extra value meal”.
Absolute genius on the powers that be in the realm of the fast food
market. Being an advertising person that I am, for burger places. Their
number one commodity is of the fried potato and soft drink variety, so to
be able to upgrade one’s sales without getting a larger audience well, is
in fact genius. But in certain aspects there is indeed what designates an
“extra value meal”.
I’m
at LAX, or for those who aren’t in the know, it’s the acronym for Los
Angeles International Airport, the “x “ is silent in the official name. I
have a real hankering for a filet o’ fish for some reason. Maybe it’s
because I live in Kansas, and am buy the ocean, and so of course one has
to get seafood that was caught in the Atlantic, probably processed
somewhere in a suburb in Detroit, and shipped to LA so I can enjoy some
real seafood.. I had given up French fries, yes I know it’s hypocritical
that I would eat a deep fried fish than a deep fried legume…no. a potato
is not a legume, that’s like peanuts and such. Got to get the dictionary
out…..got it. Apparently it is the nightshade family, great comic buy the
way, also called solanum tuberosum, for all the nerdy folk. So all I want
is a Dr. Pepper and a filet-o-fish. I go up to the MacDonald’s lady.
(that was the first time I’ve looked up something in the dictionary in
probably three years, you can thank spell check for that, it was kind of
fun, I began looking up dirty words again like I did in second grade)
“hello MacDonald’s lady”
“hello patron”
‘I
would like a medium dr. pepper and filet-o-fish that’s it”
“that’s it?”
“that’s it”
“you know it’s cheaper if you get the extra value meal…by like 30 cents”
“I
don’t eat fries…they are useless in my consumption”
“30
cents”
“well I guess”
“and is Mr. Pibb all right instead of Dr. Pepper?”
“uh…I guess” shut the hell up they are not the same thing, DO NOT GET ME
STARTED!
“that’ll be $6.16”
“$6.16”?
“yes”
Ok
granted, I love to go out and eat, I like to eat nicer restaurants from
time to time, as well as patroning fine fast food establishments. I
don’t mind spending 20-dollars on a good rib eye or prime rib, hell or
even 40 for a tender angus filet. But 6.16 for a cod filet? Well I did.
Now I understand, I broke down and bought the $6.16 extra value meal.
But I think that when a fast food combo hits the $5.25 mark, it no longer
should be able to carry the “extra value meal” label. It should just be
called a value meal. After $6.00 there should be no argument that it
cannot even carry the value title, let alone “extra value meal. At that
point it should just be “meal” and so it should be understood.
“Steve what did you have to eat today”
“filet of fish meal”
“damn…at the airport again?”
“yup”
And
for $6.16 it better be a damn good filet o fish with extra tartar
sauce….their lucky. it was a pretty good filet o fish. I should have at
least gotten an after meal mint for $6.16…that’s it I’m writing a letter.
Top ten times I felt really
old.
#10, seeing “2006” patches on high school varsity
jackets at the mall. I remember 1992 ones when I was a freshman.
#9 explaining the complexities of making a mixed tape
as opposed to burning a cd to my sister and her friends.
#8 seeing a sports bra in the laundry at my parents
house that belong to my sister whom I remember changer diapers for.
#7 knowing I’m ineligible for the real world now, and
can go to casting calls for vh1.
#6 The “No card” getting the walk through at the bar
without having to show your ID. Like my dad does when we go to the bar.
They just put they’re hand on your shoulder and guide your geriatric ass
through to the bar
#5. What’s your major? Living in
Lawrence
ages 22-24. After graduating, on-time, and living in
Lawrence
, home of KU, going out to the bars with underage drinking and striking up
conversations with the random kids, and getting asked questions such as
these. Would be higher if not for my two friends that are 7th
year seniors that still attend and my friend who works in the athletic
department that’s a cool 6months older.
#4. People singing the techno version of “Here in
heaven” and telling them that I remember the song when it first came out.
And then they would say “who sang it?” and I would reply “
bryan
adams ” to which they would reply “
bryan
who?” Damn, that cuts like a knife.
#3 Substituting for a kindergarten class one day
child: “Mr mikey, you look old”
me: “what are you talking about I’m only 25”
child 1:“wow, you are old, your older than my mom!”
child 2 “and mine”
child 11:“and mine”
this continues. Out of 22 possible parents, I was
older than or the same age as 17 of them.
#2 TRL
and drum roll #1
About a year and a half ago I’m at a bar, already
experiencing old feeling number 5. I used to substitute high school a few
years ago. And I see a group of girls from the high school that matt and I
used to work at. I never had them, but matt was a regular for them. I’m
seeing at the bar and “I’m thinking damn I’m old” and I figure that
actually that some are of age. It’s been two years, some would actually be
able to go to the bars. Then one approaches me.
“Hey steve”
“hi”
then after a little while she gets a little pushy
“so when are you going to take me out on a date?”
I freak. Granted she’s 20 but still? I remember them
in high school! My best friend taught them. Maybe I’m just overthinking
this. After all I switched school districts and now teach elementary.
Newt Gingrich married his high school teacher.
“let me think about it” I said
at the restaurant I was working at and asked everyone
if it was ok that I could take this girl out. They said that I’d be
stupid if I didn’t. Later that week I run into the girl again.
“well I I thought about it, and yes I will take you
out”
“great”
after being relieved and getting over the hump, she
asked
“By the way, how is Mr. Smith (matt) doing?”
The date never happened.
Honorable Mention:
-explaining Sega Genisis two a 12 year old
- remembering that people forget that before they hit
it big (matter of opinion) they were on SNL, Spade, sandler, quinn, but
before that, they were on a tv show called remote control with also dennis
leary. And the fact that I still remember the theme song
- The first star search.
-There was a question at Kauffman stadium at a royals
game with the soccer team that said, “what former royal holds the record
for most home runs in a season?” And the answer was Steve Balboni, I got
it right, no one even knew who he was, sad thing was. I remember one of
his homeruns that year against the A’s in
oakland
. I was at that game. Look him up.
Atlas
Greek mythological figure, forced to
spend the rest of eternity to hold the world on his shoulders, brunting
all the worlds problems and defeats upon himself.
Madden 64
My senior year we had 8 guys
involved in an entire season of Madden 64 with a packed room as some of us
faced each other in head to head battles. (I was the ‘98 Falcons). I went
15-1 during the regular season against my buddy Luke (Patriots) with Bobby
Hebert filling in for Drew Bledsoe. Final score 56-57 Patriots. No punts
nor turnovers. It was basically the last person to score wins. He also
went for the two point conversion. But I hiked up my skirt and was able
to go past this loss and I went on to win the Superbowl, along with $45,
against my friend Joe Cooper with Billy Joe Tolliver and Tony Graziani,
sharing QB duties as Chris Chandler sat out with an unhealthy bout of
bursitis.
Am I the only person who almost
came close to crying when Chandler played for the Falcons from 2002-2003.
I think he was sacked 432 times a game. It actually hurt watching his
head get slammed into the Astroturf over and over again. You just felt so
bad for the guy. It was a “Faces of Death” segment in football pads.
That offensive line was so bad. You would think that he was going to get
Rocky V disease after the 4th game with just marbles falling out of his
mouth and talking in a slow stereotypical Philadephian-Italian drawl.
Old school
Nintendo tricks when not loading properly.
First unsuccessful try: reset.
Second try: reset, but hold it down
for an extended period of time.
3rd try: take game out and blow a
direct stream of air continually on the exposed part of the circuit board,
while trying not to blow any moisture onto the circuits. Press reset
4th try: Blow directly into the mouth
of the NES itself and blow using same technique used on game. Press reset
5th try: Friend uses same technique
that you used in 3rd attempt. You point out that you just did that. He
retorts back that “You didn’t do it
right”
questioning your resetting ability and also your manhood. Scuffling ensues
for 4 minutes. Press reset.
6th try: Just to piss you off, said
friend repeats 4th try that you also did. Scuffling ensues for another 5
minutes. Charlie horses are now prominently involved as well as t-shirts
with overly stretched necks are resulted. Press reset.
7th Try: unplug, the
adapter from the outlet (which if left on for more than 30 minutes or your
4th game into Tecmo Bowl, was cattle prod type hot) press reset.
(In between 4th and 5th try. Explain
why the mat pad was virtually pointless and that getting down on your
knees and using your palms was the only way you could really beat cheetah)
After that it’s like my
ketchup
snippet: you get start getting some crazy ass idea that each
10 year old has developed that your positive it’ll work.
-using a hair dryer to blow into the
Nintendo itself. It must be on cold blow, the hot setting once shorted
out my friend, Mark’s, NES. He wasn’t happy. It wasn’t my idea anyway.
-put ice on the adapter. To help cool
it down
-put the game in the freezer for 5
minutes. Derricks idea. Derrick was also the family that had an
inordinate amount of batteries in they’re refrigerator.
-lightly tap the game repeatedly while
cartridge is in its “ready to play” position, among a hundred others.
The smorgasbord of attempts.
Blow game again, as well as NES.
Cross fingers and then press reset for extended period of time and follow
with complete silence while releasing the button. It works!! But it’s
only worked 90%. It has super Mario and his music, but all the mushrooms
are exclamation points and the blocks are a bunch of lower case letters.
That was the absolute worst. Cause
then you had to debate, to continue playing hoping that natural instinct
can take place and overcome the glitch, or, reset the game once again with
the chance that the game won’t restart. Since your 10, you always hope
for the best. So repeat above tasks...
And of course, it doesn’t work. Groans
of heartache and frustration ensue for 5 seconds while jumping up and down
or/and/with arms flailing...following by 6 seconds of silences.
Then just to be an ass, someone ALWAYS
says.
“I told you we should have kept
playing”
Then all hell breaks loose.
n
j
nt)
nea)
tang
ns,
tangent-, touching (line), present participle of
tangere, to touch. See tag- in Indo-European
Roots.]