November 25,
2004
October 17, 2004
-here’s a few rants that I’ve
written in the last year that has lost all type of humor if it was
written now.
Written in December of 2003
What is Tara Reid’s full time
function now? Does repeated covers of assorted men’s mags count as a
job (this was before a repeating character on scrubs)?
-this Usher phenomenon is going
crazy, and yes I’ve seen him in person. Twice, my only valid excuse was
I was working during the concerts. But it was humorous. It was in
Kansas City at Kemper arena, and he came in wearing a KU jersey...it was
Chenowith’s number.
-My name is Steve and I tear up at
ABC Extreme Makeover.
-Bob the Enzyte man has a couple
more commercials before obtaining hall of fame status how many pats on
the back does he get from guys around last call. Or how many people buy
him a LARGE beer or a yard? I shouldn’t make fun, I’d probably do the
same and think it was original.
-How amazingly kick ass is the new
Nissan Quest? Is it the fact that I’m 27 and my biological clock might
start to be ticking or the great advertising. Is it wrong that almost
want to Shawn Kemp it so I might need an excuse to buy myself one.
-Speaking of vans, I’ll have to get
some pictures of Antoine's. Seriously one of the funniest things you will
ever see, Anne and I want to submit it for “Pimp my Ride” think about
that, seeing little Antoine’s with his Belgian accent asking Xzibit about
rims.
-The presidential debate: even if
you’re not a Bush fan you have to respect the fact that Kerry didn’t get
a swift karate chop to the Adams apple. I love debates and but when a
man’s sense of worth is questions instead of decision making you get
every since to defend yourself.
-When is Scrubs going to get the
recognition it deserves? It satisfied this era completely with the
trendy one shot camera, witty, snippets of writing, off the wall
tangents and rapid fire jokes with actual characters with depth and
development?? WHY?!? It took Seinfeld three or four years to get on
full throttle but it seems that this show will just become a “good show”
Granted the writing of Arrested
Development is one of the best that there’s been in the last 10 years
for any time of prime time comedy show (which is one of the most
unfortunate things teetering on extinction. This is the only show I’ve
ever where I’ve actually did a consumer watch to see if going to be
picked up for the upcoming season. Quantum Leap was the closest I had
but I was a junior in high school but worried about other things like
masturbation or FIFA '93. And the lack of readily integrated internet
and the fact that they at least made a finale with an open ended but
still tolerable scenario.)
-How festive is Martha Stewarts
shive going to be?
-So the other day I’m waiting in
line at McDonald’s. I’m next, the person in front of me gives their
order to the cashier and steps to the side in an orderly fashion
waiting for his order. I do the same. When at this position in a fast
food establishment there really isn’t anything you can really do but
look and observe the progress of how your number 3 (quarter pounder)
order goes from simple cash transaction to a tangible product displayed
in front of you (your too close in a confined area to develop any
constructive people watching)
Anyhow, so it’s just myself and
the person who ordered before me, slightly to the side of the register
watching the fry cook lift the fry cage thingy up and put it in it’s
little hovering/holding position to let 3% of the grease drain. My eyes
light up as I observe one of life’s little pleasures, a piping hot set
of fries, but to my chagrin there were two previously set up medium
fries held vertically in the the “waiting room” for fries, which then
throws the whole situation for a loop. The possibility of getting cold
crappy fries from the previous batch made 20 minutes ago is terrible.
Granted, I’d still eat the soggy fries, but to be so close with
something so amazing would be quite a buzzkill. What’s worse sometimes
is getting the grab bag version of fries. Having an inexperienced fry
person tossing a fresh batch of fries into the holding bin with the
previous batch of old fries, with the theory that somehow for whatever
reason, the new fries will somehow, someway reignite the soggy fries
into the crispy goodness it had 20 minutes ago. Instead you wind up
with an assorted array of those dry brown ones shaped like a witch’s
fingernail followed by a soggy cold one and then a blazing hot one,
which catches you by surprise and burns your tongue. Which you would
thing that your index fingers and thumb would warn you of it’s volcanic
temperature but your brains still preoccupied with the fact that you got
the grab bag fries.
So back to the story...
So the fry guy, after draining the
3% of grease and giving it that jerky wrist motion to fling boiling hot
grease at anyone within a 4 foot radius, loads up 3 or 4 more boxes of
fries for the cashiers to grab.
My eyes get bigger as I see the now
five boxes of fries next to each other with the two crappy one are to
the left in while the nice piping hot ones are positioned to the right.
The cashier leaves and I’m aching to see which one she’s going to grab
for my order...and I peek out the corner and the guy next to me is doing
the same exact thing. He is EQUALLY as nervous as I am. He SO wants
those good fries as well. I can see it in his eyes.
The cashier consolidates and grabs
two orders of fries...from the right.
And huge internal sigh of relief
comes between the both of us.
He gets his filet-o-fish “with new
classic taste” before I get my sandwich, grabs his tray and leaves.
“We got the good ones.” I say
casually but relieved as if the Chiefs got a good cornerback. Just to
see if he was on the same page as I.
“F*&k” ya we did!” And he walks
off.
There was a sigh of relief and
slight whim of exhilaration when it comes to things like damn good
fries. Which leads me to another fascination of potatoes served in the
French fashion (respek dave eggers. Respek)
The long fry theory: Why do we get
so excited when we get a Bob Beamon like fry?
I pull out the long fry. and i feel
compelled that i have to stare at it eye level and show it to my
friends, and show it off like a new trapper keeper in fifth grade, which
gets me thinking.
I don’t know which is more
pathetic. The fact that I’m 27 and still get excited with the super
long fry or being in company with a person that is just as impressed
with my catch as well and responds with a an exuberant “ooo” or “ahh”
and then tries to find himself his own long fry.
If I owned a restaurant I’d somehow
develop a potato, hydroponics on level 11 is the only thing that I think
could make it happen, that exudes only long fries. How happy would
your customers be to get the long fry, followed by another long fry, and
followed by ANOTHER long fry. There would be so much happy pheromones
produced and neurons firing within the confines of the restaurant, that
world peace wouldn’t be very far behind.)
There were more homoerotic
undertones in that fry bit than then a RAW episode.
My top 5 fries in order-if they
were to come out as good as they possibly can, fresh out the holding
thingy and seasoned so right that they need no condiment.
5. Runza: now many people have no
idea what the hell a Runza, It’s a highly concentrated Nebraska craze,
( i will have an entire pre-cursor to the whole Tommy Lee/Nebraska thing
to get you better acquainted with certain a Nebraska related thing) It's
the only crinkle cut fry to crack my top five.
4. Arby’s, when done right
3. Wendy's
2. Burger king: ever since they
changed they’re recipe when I was in college (one of my most memorable
college experience with a “free fry day on Monday” celebration)
1. McDonalds
I know that I’m going to get a
couple emails from the “in and out” crowd but they’re just too thin to
crack the top 5 in apex fries. They’re too similar and I’m too lazy to
salt my fries.
Alas we don’t always get so on a
consistency level so...
Arby’s home-style fries would get
pulled and replaced by Jack in the box.
-I feel like the above content was
a Wilbon/Kornheiser fish chain session on PTI.
Kornheiser: “ Your an idiot. this
is America. I want freedom fries and i win AGAIN!”
I have yet to decide whether or not
to include the “tot” into to foray of fries, if so the unabashed
scrumptiousness of the sonic tot would take out the Mac fries 34 seconds
into the 3rd round and catapult itself onto the podium.
-So I have started to have all
available interruptions and discussions... in my immediate vicinity.
Instead of having my lovely digital cable tuned to vh1 classic, which
provides endless hours of comedy. I have my itunes on and a DVD (with a
movie viewed at least 6 times) playing on my computer with the viewing
window the size of two Chiclets. Earlier it was Made and now
it’s Big Fish.
Which brings me to...
How much does it bug a typical
American sports fan to have an English guy swing a bat or play football
in a movie? It’s almost humorous when Dawson throws a football or Have
Freddie Prince jr. use a stunt double for lower body shots to dribble a
soccer ball. But it’s a different level when you try to convince
yourself that the actor tried to actually make an American pastime
plausibly believable. Granted Tim Burton thankfully sparingly uses Ewan
Macgregor as a high school sports god, but watching him brings me to
think if there’s an equivalent situation to reciprocate. Maybe with an
American guy playing cricket in an English film. Think of all the Harps
and Guinness spilled as Brad Pitt approaches the pitch in knickers.
-With the introduction to digital
cable into my life, yes it took me that long to get it. With
uncooperative roommates in 2000-2001 to the shear annoyance of our cable
provider on the east coast, I’ve finally had the opportunity to
experience shear joy.
It basically prevents me from doing
much of anything constructive. Honestly the only difference that it
gives me now is vh1 classic, vh1 country
-vh1 country is extremely important
cause for a good two years my country music knowledge fell to nothing
(almost as bad as my college rock knowledge back in 2001) and with the
prospect of doing another road trip with matt that I truly needed to
brush up on my country music with that being the number one factor when
traveling through the Midwest.
-vh1 classic: The quickest way for
a person in they’re mid to late twenties feel 87.
-My one pet peeve with my “digital
cable and streaming internet provider” is the fact that the guide has
“Macguyver” slated to play 3 different times throughout the day on TV
land (research) and even though i know it only comes on at 11 and that i
should ignore the 3 pm and 10 pm listing (three's company and Matlock i
think) but for some reason I go into Megamillions/Powerball mode,”
maybe...this...time...it’ll...work....nope. Damn”
-I’ve caught The Benefactor every
once in a while and found out that matt and myself are apparently the
only ones really watching it according to Mrs. Neilson, and i really
don’t pay attention to it that much. I watch it based on Matt’s man
crush on him (his rise up to financial success blah blah blah). As a
business men he’s a genius but he’s just way to brash and un-watch able
sometimes. It would be a lot more entertaining if he had one of the
following
A) an evil diabolical laugh after
ever pause in conversation
B) entrance music
C) a monocle
How much more random can you get
with the benefactor? But they’re really not cool Random stuff. They
need to throw in a couple of halfway interesting objectives that can
make you laugh or give you a WTF moment such as ...
n
Steel cage match
n
Golden Tee tournament
I’ll stomach through some of the
crap to hear a decent quote to watch him struggle to find the right
cliché or metaphor for every mission and tie it to business.
“Cats by nature are fierce when
provoked by aggression...as is a successful BUSINESS!”
or something like
“Jenga is like the business world.
One wrong move and EVERYTHING could topple!!!”
Granted he never said anything
really like that but if he did AND had the monocle, it wouldn’t have had
the season cut back by two episodes.
-The DVD advent: I sometimes liked
it better when vhs was the way do go. DVD’s coupled with imdb and
tvtome, is it like the new “sell out?” with all the available materials
a couple of clicks away. Do you still appreciate it or be upset and
become one of those college band fans who stop liking the band when they
become mainstream? “Dude I so liked them better before they sold out”
It’s seems that a fanatic is really just a rainy day and wi-fi away from
gaining the desired knowledge.
-So my tenth year reunion is coming
up. More on this later.
-What do you think is the
percentage is of women who Google a guy in the time frame from
acceptance of a date to the actual first date with the guy?
-I spend roughly two hours a day
staring out of my living room window. I’m dead serious. If you had my
window you’d do the same thing. It’s amazing people watching, but
sometimes if I’m down as i stare out the window, but i’ll just pop on
Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway and my world is, for just a moment,
good.
-When are Garth brooks and Trisha
Yearwood going to just say “screw it. No ones going to believe we
haven’t hooked up at all in the last 20 years lets just get married.”
There’s no statute of limitation thats going to have people believe that
they “just started” dating now.
Yes I just wrote about that. shoot
me.
-I’m predicting Keane’s Somewhere
only we know as the official movie trailer theme song for every
Romantic comedy or bonding drama about love for the next 14 months.
-Through “THICK
and Thin”
this is the new tag line for the Bulls marketing campaign.
That’s not really much support and
confidence in Paxton and his rebuilding. Basically saying,” Yes, we’ll
suck for a little bit, But please keep buying season tickets. We play
the cavaliers 2 times at home this year!! come watch Lebron! and we’ll
try to squeeze in Carmelo once here as well”
That’s the kind of crap the royals
did returning from the strike whenever the Yankees or Seattle came to
town. Not a great way to gather support from your team.
But it is good comedy with the
commercial set in an urban barber shop like “coming to america” with
henrich playing the Cuba Gooding jr. silent character except he’s white,
and plays basketball and doesn’t have a black brother who hosted wild
and crazy kids
-I have roughly 8 guy friends who
are homeowners. Three have had their houses remodeled or upgraded and
have put several thousand into each home. One of them is a carpenter.
Yet NONE of them have a urinal. I don’t understand this. I think it
should be a given. This can significantly reduce girlfriend/boyfriend
fights by roughly 64% in the first month alone. I cant wait till i get
one.(I actually ordered a catalog from American Standard at 3 am my
senior year in college. Completely sober. I swear. Really. How about
those Red Sox?) I don’t know the details but I don’t see how difficult
of an addition if your refurbishing the bathroom anyway.
-Two men Enter. One man leaves.
Two men enter. one man leaves!
A classic movie quote that for some
reason never really solidified itself as one of the greatest movie
quotes ever. Which leads me to...
The obscene amount of football pads
that are available in post apocalyptic Australia? How did all the
hoodlums obtain these? You’d think that many of them would be also
wearing football helmets as well. You can never be too careful in
post-apocalyptic Australia
you know. I would assume where there’s a hundred football shoulder pads
lying around that they’d be a few helmets as well. Did Tagliabue get a
Galyans or a Schaub to open a store there? I don’t understand.
This year’s playoffs included three
key players that started their career with the royals. Johnny Damon,
Beltron (rookie of the year) and Tom Gordon who doesn’t really need to
have been in rookie of the year cause he’s mentioned in Bo knows.
KC should officially just get a separate designation of a AAAA minor
league team. They’d be above Ohio Valley Wrestling and be right below
Raw and Smackdown. Like the Sunday Night Heat and Velocity
of WWE. In the last 8 years we’ve won the AL rookie of the year
awarded 43 times. Or we could just have an open house tryout and invite
all the teams to Kauffman and have them just pillage the team Braveheart
style. The KC Star has a little section in Sunday's paper that shows
D-1 athletes that came from the KC area and tells they're stats. They
should start doing the same with Former Royals players. Imagine Dye,
Damon and Beltran in the same outfield at the same time. That's scary.
Yes, I’ve taken 5 bitter pills today.
-It’s a terrible state for a
Kansas City
sports fan when KU football is the lone highlight to talk about with
all the almosts. Having comfortable or slightly comfortable leads
against (Texas Tech,
Nebraska,
Oklahoma and now Texas only not
able to close it. It's like when Ultimate warrior was demolishing Mr.
Perfect for 35 minutes, only to get the ring bell thrust into the back
of his head by the Genius as he sets up the gorilla press, falls down
and Mr perfect goes for the cover up at the end. No, Missouri cannot
count regardless of they’re record is. The fact that they lost to troy
state gives them 8 weeks in the silent corner...but I’ll break it for
one thing. I was able to catch Missouri’s QB of the future one ESPN,
the south lake carroll
kid against the 15th ranked team in the nation. I just want to say
damn. He reminded me of the rothlisshunderheimenberger his senior year
at Miami O, or at least the only two games they ever showed. Just a man
in a boy’s game. He’s not nearly as big, but poised. shrugged
linebackers off like felony cases for football players. He’s going to
be scary. I’m going to save Mizzou rants for another time.
When the “Biggest Loser” came on it
automatically jumped into my mom’s top 5 TV shows which include in no
particular order:
n
Oprah
n
Jerry Springer
n
America’s Funniest Home Videos
n
All My Children
*dr. phil was up there but dropped
when my mom found out he’s been divorced (I don’t know if it’s true or
not) and elevated the hypocrisy level to irreconcilable levels. It
sounded a little bit like this...
“You know son. Dat dr. feel. He
try to tew aw dose peopo in the audience how to hab a good marriage, and
he’s a divorced man. he’s stupid.”
It really got her worked up. So
worked up she didn’t even attempt to pronounce have the “L”s
Any way. I don’t know, we really
haven’t talked about it. but I imagine the next time we’ll talk she try
to call me about obese people running and breathing hard. And she’ll
die laughing. I think she’ll almost get a bigger kick out of that than
Average Joe 1 and 2;
“Why you want to kiss with tongue
on national t.b. with ugly discussing guy?!!?! yucky. Yucky” but she
loved it. It was the first time in history that she ever hung up the
phone on me mid-sentence because she forgot that it was on.
-It’s been 3 months since I’ve had
a cell phone. Or least a working one...
-A year ago i poked fun at the
question of what does a reality TV person put on their 1040? A couple
days ago Bill Simmons wrote poked fun of the fact that no one knows out
how to fill out a w2. Here's a cute story that gives you a better
appreciation for that joke.
When I was back on the East coast
I still kept a decent number of friends that were with MTV and VH1 from
RR and even back to my Pop Up days. Every time a special taping of a
Reality Special that MTV has in NYC, there's a "thank you, we'll help
you get trashed after the taping party". And every person in that is in
the taping, whether its a Real World reunion or Challenge reunion, goes
to the party if they so choose. Also invited to the party are those ex
real world and road rules people who still live in NYC.
Which comes to one of my most
important rule ever implemented by me when living in the NYC area,
broke, and under 30.
1. Never Ever, turn down an
endless night of free alcohol. This can mean party, a show, gallery
opening, or as a date with an ex who you despise but still wants to get
back together. This is to the closest of winning Pick 3 I’ll ever get
and quite possibly the equivalent in terms of $$$ amount. It's ungodly
how much alcohol costs in Manhattan, and I’m not even talking the trendy
clubs with techno music and glow sticks flailing.
(When ever I went out in college or
when i lived in Lawrence, KS.
I'd bring 10 dollars out and was completely able to consume a great
quantity of drinks, with tip, and also had the ability to buy a girl or
two a drink as well without even flinching. In Hoboken my roommate and I
were able to get away with bring $80 for the both of us. 60 for the
drinks and an extra 20 just in case. In Manhattan it shot up to, besides
Brother Jimmy's, bringing 140-150 bucks total. $8 dollar coronas aren't
uncommon. FOR A CORONA!!!!)
Back to the story. So the reunion
for the Battle of the Sexes was being taped at 1515 and of course the
night courtesy of MTV. Blair was in town and wanted me to come and
watch the taping and then go out with all of them the rest of the
night. I declined.
I'm going to try to put this in a
way that sounds the least pretentious and snotty as possible. Going to
a taping for a TV show is a lot like going to Mardi Gras for the first
time if you’re over the age of 30. It's neat to go once, but you had
your fill and will probably not want to do it again.
More specifically I'm talking of
shows that are in special format that aren't daily and run on a uniform
schedule, like a talk show or SNL. I'm talking like reunion specials.
They don't start on time. People are way to demanding and put way to
much pressure on the crew with their demands and lack of timing. It’s
disappointing to watch people act this way.. There's an insane amount of downtime, which is
particularly boring for the audience, and can last for an hour at a
time. It was going to start taping at 11 a.m. on Sunday. That's early
for me on a Sunday.
My roommate who had never been to a
TV taping before really wanted to go. Since she's friends with Blair,
she became his guest, and she was making a shirt for him to wear to wish
his brother a happy birthday anyway. I passed on the TV taping and
agreed to meet them after the taping for drinks.
I met up with the roomie and Blair
at the hotel and got ready to go to the bar. I asked Anne how her first
taping of a TV show was which didn't start taping till 2.
She enjoyed the behind the scene
elements of everything. From the lighting preps, to the green room to
the cameras etc. And broke down how everything positive that when on.
Then she went into the other parts of annoyance.
I'll spare details about some of
the things because I’m trying to keep on task.
"None of them know how to fill out
anything"
I wanted to know what she meant by
that.
"No
one knows how to fill out a W-2"
There were delays in the taping
partly because the proper paperwork wasn't filled out prior to the day.
The employment forms.
I've explained before that the
actual Road Rules and Real World shows are made by Bunim-Murray
Productions, while all the intro specials and reunions are produced by
Mtv networks, two separate companies. When doing something for Mtv you
become an actual employee of them thus having to fill out the standard
w-2. With Bunim-Murray, we never had to fill one out. I believe we were
designated as Contestants and not official employees so the paperwork
consists of a contract that requires basically only two signatures.
Now out of about 14 people all over
the age of 20 you would believe that at least 60% of the group would
know how to fill one out. There was an aura of total Anna Nicole like
bewilderment when people had to figure out how many dependents people
needed to declare. Out of the entire group only one person, Colin,
knew how to fill one out, while another person refused to fill it out
just to be a pain. That left the rest of the entire cast to need help
filling them out, with Antoine being the only one having a legitimate
excuse for being confused. My roommate, who happened to work in Human
Resources, became the unofficial guide to helping all of them fill out the forms.
Telling them to sign here, add there, deduct there if wanted etc. She
had to help ALL but one. The sad thing is, some people were over 30 and
didn't know this, and others brought their agents to the tapings and
they didn't know how to fill them out for them either. Basic life
skills were completely absent. I wish I could have been there just for
that. So to honestly answer the question. No. Most of the Road Rules
and Real World cast members don't know how to fill out a w-2 form, at
least those from the last 4 or 5 seasons.
But who am I to talk. I don't have
a real job now either.
While I’m on this alcohol price
thing...
-Last Christmas I went back to
Leavenworth
and went to an old watering hole, avoided a fight for the first time in
the last 4 times i went out in
Leavenworth, that's another
article. I saw some old high school friends that I liked. It was my
turn to buy a round. I went to the bartender and ordered 5 bud lights
and a gin and tonic.
"What kind of gin would you like?"
"Wells fine"
Well drinks are always fine when
you’re in NY. I don't care if it's trashy.
"Are you sure?" There's only a
quarter difference in call than in well."
I swallowed in disbelieve.
"How much extra for a premium
then?"
"An extra quarter"
The look on my face right then and
the face that I’ll have when i see the birth of my first child will be
nearly indistinguishable.
5 bud lights and a Sapphire Gin and
Tonic.
"Your total is $7.50"
I cried a tear of joy. I actually
had to hold back a tear.
Old School.
During the b-day scene in Old
School. Is Spanish wearing a generic version (same character profile,
different colors) of “Elaroo” from the Wuzzles? Part elephant and
Kangaroo? What five year old in 2002 could identify with them. The
hybrid characters like the Bumblelion, bee and lion, and Moosel, who was
part moose and seal. Why do I know this stuff. How would you like to
have seen the copulation scene from that product?
And not to seem like a mean ass.
One of my few problems. but not really, this is just me nitpicking.
But Vince Vaughn’s character makes out with the Robin Tunny look- alike
when he has Leah Remini at home. That’s such a WTF type of move.
-I’ll swallow my words. a little
over two years ago i wrote that Ashton Kutchers “where are they now”
episode would air in 2004. That was before he took a second mortgage
out on his soul...
- With the new Mortal Kombat coming
out soon. and the game sequels regarding Kano as a stud, who was
originally the bitch of the original, got me to remembering MK2 in high
school.
To
further explain just how mean people can be, and I was the nice guy, and
I still was kind of mean.
Kids are mean to each other and 80% of them don’t even realize they
are. Case in point, we had a kid on the soccer team who was on the JV
squad. He wasn’t the most attractive boy in the bunch. To be honest,
he was ugly as hell. With that being said. With his physical nature he
had vampieresque-rockbiter like teeth and huge almost black eyes. So
my buddy Derek nicknamed him “Baraka” off the character from Mortal
Kombat. And every time he’d score in a game we all did the choppy
arm/blade cuisinart motion with are hands screaming “BARAKA WINS!” He
thought is was cool that he even got a nickname, with no idea why he was
given that nickname. He’d actually do the cuisinart thing when he
scored also. Sad thing is, the name stuck so bad I don’t even remember
the kids name.
FINISH HIM!!!
BARAKA WINS!!
-I’m watching Eddie Murphy’s raw.
And it was brought to my attention that he was the first one fo point
out the downfall of Cosby’s senility. 80’s Eddie, we miss you dearly.
So much that scrubs even paid you a little tribute a couple weeks ago,
please come back.
-So to try to get off this year
long bout of writers block I went and thumbed through some of my old
college notebooks, and no, I have no logical explanation on why I chose
to bring a random assortment of notebooks that I brought with me across
the country, with the intent of finding something to write about and as
I thumbed through my American Government and Politics notebook i saw
scribbled, in bold script off to the left margin.
“Ace of Base ugly guy!??!?”
I knew exactly what, why and when i
wrote it. I touched on this a little before a long time ago.
a) I knew exactly what it was
referencing too.
b) It bothered me enough in 1996 to
write it down with multiple exclamation marks even though it’s been 3
years since the had a hit and that they made no lasting impact. They
had already come and went as fast as 7UP gold, or any sitcom by a
Seinfeld alumni.
Speaking of which, good for Jason
Alexander with the Tony Kornheiser sitcom being picked up for another
year.
There
really wasn’t anything written besides that. But I knew immediately
why. And to this day I still can’t really. There was really no
function he served in any facet from what i could tell. I don’t care if
he contributed in putting together a visible pop group. He was worse
than the “bad boy” in boy bands. When a club puts up their pictures of
the people at the club, he puts up all the attractive people in order to
get to they’re club. They don’t put the hook-armed bouncer or door guy
up if that means sacrificing a potential Maxim
hometown hottie girl to be put up.
Granted he could have produced it.
But I don’t think he ever really sang. At least the pretty boy, and for
some reason I think his name was “Buddha”, if I’m not mistaken, at least
had a terribly pointless rap interlude every once in a while. And yes,
when I think of a person that could be nicknamed Buddha, I think of the
most physically Aryan person I can.
Getting back to the guy, I mean he
was way to weird looking or excitable to be a rude dog, and not old
enough to have nostalgic capabilities like the old black dude from
Arrested Development the band.
-I hated cowboys and Indians
growing up...I was always the f#$@ing Ninja.
-How cool is it that Optimus Prime
is now “The Voice” in 99.9% of all movie commercials and trailers.
“You got the touch, You got the
power”
And yes, I even shed a tear last
year when I saw it for the first time in 13 years when Matrix-less Prime
turned grey, which when you think about it, is the color of primer.
Apparently, there’s a live action
Transformers movie in development. How astoundingly amazing could the
trailer be for that? The voice of Optimus doing the voiceover only to
fade seamlessly into actually Optimus Prime movie dialog. I don’t think
I can get any more excited.
I'm going to end this column with a
particular embarrassing flashback. It was my sophomore year of
college.
Semisonic-
The
Great Divide 
Phenomenal album. The one before
"closing time" made them a popular. It (the great divide) was an
amazing power-pop album. 8 listenable songs with one in particular.
Song number 5 or 6 i believe called F.N.T. Short for fascinating new
thing, That had the following lyrics in the chorus.
I'm surprised that you've never been
told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
It was the only time I ever really
actually pursued getting a girl to like me. She was in the Quad and i
stopped by ( my role was the dorky, unattractive friend in every 80’s
movie) think Arrested Development’s George Michael uncomfortableness
with his crush with (except she wasn’t my cousin.) I wanted to tell her
that this song was exactly how I felt.. Instead of delivering a John
Cusak-boombox moment in the quad, I give the following awkward
scenario...
Scene:
Female is there sitting quietly in
her freshman dorm, listening to either Jewel or Dave Matthews as she
talks with little interest to our protagonist.
“Hey. I have this cd I just
bought. And there’s a song on there that I really thing you would
like...” I put in the player and arrow it to the above mentioned song.
She listens to the first verse.
Politely trying to listen but obviously not enjoying the moment and is
disinterested in the song itself. It's getting closer to the chorus
then suddenly the phone rings.
"Steve can you wait a second?"
She takes the phone call and goes
out on the deck as she chats with her friend. The last lines then
scream out in her dorm room with me, alone, being the only person within
earshot...
"....that you’re lovely. And
you’re perfect. and that somebody wants you."
I looked out. She was a good 50
feet away. The song ends with its last verse
I'm surprised that you've never been
told before
That you're priceless and you're precious
Even when you are not new…
She enters
"That’s kind of a cool song Steve.
It's really not my kind of style though. Why did you think I needed to
listen to it though?"
AND SCENE!
God I hated 96.
