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Tour De Donut
The Tour de Donut
More intoxicating than LSD, more allurring than extasy....Matt and I
have been calling for it by name for a while now.
Road Trip
This is matt’s ‘88 gold toyota corolla. Her name is Tina.. That’s
funny.
It’s been over three years since matt and I have done a road trip. Many
have wanted to tag along. Only a few, scratch that, one, has been able to
experience such a trip. It begins with a dream only to end in a
disenchanted story of illusion, passion, sometimes heartbreak, but always
ends on a story. And that’s whats important.
If all goes according to plan, I will be in des moines Iowa thurday the
10th, and together we will embark on a journey to ........ a
quaint little farm town in illionois just 35 miles away from the gateway
to the west st. louis. This little town shall be out gateway. Our gateway
to gluttony and disgustingness.
This town holds the annual tour de donut event. The rules are simple.
Ride one’s bike over the calm rolling hills, of farmland for roughly 30
miles. You will be timed, but instead of having water stations for
the cyclists there are two Donut stations, yes. They decided that one
donut station was not enough so they put up another one!
Why the donut stations?
Because radio stations would be costly..
The point of the donuts is consumption. For every donut one eats, 5
minutes get taken off. Now there are a few hard core athletes that are
only in it for the athletic aspect and the prowess, and only do the bike
ride portion of it, ignoring actually ever eating the donuts. As for the
others, that I like to call "idiots", myself included, will participate in
the gluttony of it all. We will eat as many donuts as humanly possible and
then ride our bikes 30 miles. Now many of you may wonder. "Why?" And my
answer is.
Cause we’re stupid...and hungry.
A brief history of my discovery.
This has grown substantially during the last 5 years since it’s
creation and now only allows 500 participants each year. I had gotten
special permission to be 501 last year and was allowed but do to
unfortunate circumstances (i.e money) I wasn’t able to participate. But
thanks to some extreme downtown as of late and a little extra cash flow
lying around. I might be able to embark on such an adventure.
After finally seeing in person the true legend that is Kobayashi, I to
feel that it’s my duty, no, my calling, to participate in absolutely
outlandish and stupid things such as this for the rest of my life. With 48
consumed hot dogs fresh in my mind. I feel that I may to consume a little
history.
Oh, yes, more than just the actual event itsef, it’s bringing back the
love of the road trip. Although I’ve logged on over 55,000 miles on my
suzuki already in three years, I haven’;t had a road trip in two years.
The suzuki won’t participate, but alas tina will. Tina is matt’s ‘88
toyota corolla. He says that it needs to be kicked around and treated like
crap for it to work.
My strategy. Eat each donut in less than 5 minutes. It would be counter
productive if you didn’t. For a more detailed visual on how I am to do
this look at Figure A.
Figure A
I will consume donuts like this. Donut into mouth. I will then chew and
then swallow, and will repeat
hopefully 57 times. I will think it’s possible cause the donuts have
holes in them. Less area means less stuff to chew. See. I’m thinking
people.
I will avoid to do figure B.
Figure B
Yes the above .figure clearly shows that I do not want to wear shoes
that are not the same size as well as tire spokes that do not go all the
way to the end of the tire.
But let us not forget that is a competition. There for it’s all men for
themselves. So even though matthew is my friend, he is also my enemy that
I must contend with. Much like Highlander, there can be only one. The end
result will be something like figure c.
Figure C.
Now I know I took away the bicycles(they’re quite difficult to draw
freehand with a mouse) but the end result is still the same. I’ll kick his
ass. Now I know some of you may think that it’s unfair that matt never
gets the opportunity to defend himself. Well, when he gets his own damn
site he can. In the mean time I can pummel in green helmet wearing ass as
much as I want.
Now depending on the "weekend getaway people" and they’re desire for
people to fly from New York to Des Moines, I may or may not be able to
tell you the rest of the story. And then you can expect this photograph
below. Cept with better framing, the photographer cut off my head and
didn’t turn on the red eye flash.
I’m of course the winner. Number 2 is upset cause he didn’t win. And
the third place guy is upset cause he doesn’t have a right ear. But
wouldn’t you be upset also?
Oh, if your wondering where matt is in the picture, he’s still
finishing up the race, he’s still way back there....
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